Love Sprung from Words
by adoranymph
Summary: The man she loved had taught her many things. Each new word Irisviel von Einzbern learned from Kiritsugu Emiya became a precious treasure, as did her feelings towards being the first homunculus to become something so simply beautiful as a wife and mother, and what that all meant to her. A companion fic to "Love Sprung from Winter", from Irisviel's POV.
1. Dream

**Love Sprung from Words**

 **Dream**

Irisviel von Einzbern, despite her being a homunculus, emerged from dreams whenever she slept. She was the first in the Einzbern line of homunculi from the progenitor, Lord Justeaze, to achieve this practice.

And it was the human man lying beside her who had taught her this. The man she learned love from, in learning to love _him_. The man who had become her husband.

She blinked open her eyes to the sight of him wrapped up in the blankets on the bed in their bedroom, and smiled to see him sleeping so peacefully. His dark shirt was unbuttoned at the top enough that she saw a hint of his bare chest beneath, and the sound of his breathing beside her had a calming rhythm, for he himself was at ease for the moment. Irisviel was glad for it, as there had been many a night where he hadn't been so at ease in his slumber.

 _Kiritsugu_.

Irisviel carefully reached over and threaded her one index finger, light as a breath, through his dark hair. She didn't want to wake him just yet, for she did like watching him sleep. But she was also eager to share with him the dream she'd had, for it had been quite wonderful. Though it was a dream that could never be in this life, she did hope it was a dream that she could have in another life.

After she ran a finger through his dark hair, she touched the side of his face in the same way, feeling the faint emergence of stubble there. Then she inched closer to him in bed, catching his leathery scent, and just a whisper that still remained of that cigarette smell that still clung to him even after he'd quit smoking over a year ago, admiring the sweep of the fringe of his eyelashes, as he slept on with his mouth just slightly open. Her thoughts touched briefly on memories of him touching that mouth to hers, brushing his lips against hers in a caressing kiss, and she felt a pleasurable shiver run through her at the memory.

Then Kiritsugu stirred, and blinked open those eyes of his, those dark eyes that only took on light when he looked at Irisviel, or their beloved daughter, Ilyasviel. They stayed in that cold darkness at first as he woke now, but then they focused and found Irisviel's face, and there was that light again as he smiled.

"Hello," he murmured, and without breaking his gaze from hers, he found her caressing hand and touched his lips to it.

"Hello," Irisviel murmured back, and responded in kind by touching her forehead to his. "Good morning."

Kiritsugu gave a little groan and closed his eyes, before he leaned over and touched his lips to the hollow of her neck instead. "Not yet. Just a little longer."

"Now, now…it's growing late, you know," Irisviel chided affectionately. "And Ilya will be awake soon anyway."

Her husband gave another low sound of resistance, stroking the length of her bare arm with his free hand. "Iri…please…couldn't I have…just a little more time…alone with you…?" he pled with her in between tracing kisses along her own smooth, soft, gentle jaw.

Irisviel sighed, and rather forlornly, for she knew that Kiritsugu wanted to make the most out of every morning he woke beside her. After all, there would come a day where he would no longer be able to, and it would be his doing.

Or at least, _he_ was inclined to see it as his doing. To her, it was a choice she had made for herself.

The choice that she would sacrifice her life as the Vessel of the Holy Grail. She had been the Einzbern homunculus groomed for the task, but Kiritsugu…he had given the moment that would be her death far more meaning than anything the Einzberns desired. With her death, she would make his dream—now _their_ dream—of creating a world of peace, where no one cried, where all of humanity was saved and no one ever had to suffer, not from war, not from hate, not from senseless death…she would make that a reality. She took immense pride in that, and by extension, that dream, though admittedly…all of that in and of itself was nothing more than a string of words made beautiful by the sound of her husband's voice as he'd spoken to her of it. In truth, she didn't actually understand it, fundamentally speaking. She had had no experience with the world beyond Einzbern Castle whatsoever, after all.

Still…she believed in that dream, because she had learned of love from and fallen in love with the man who had told her of it.

"Oh Kiritsugu." She sighed again, this time more like a mother dealing with a resisting, incorrigible, precocious child, and she withdrew to look her husband in the eye. "Explain to me again then, the whole science behind why I feel happy when you touch me the way you do, like you are right now."

Kiritsugu's rather distressed expression returned to one of quiet happiness. In fact, there was even a spark of something more, a smoldering spark, as he smiled once more. "Gladly." He withdrew his questing hand from her arm and used it to invite her to touch one of her hands' fingertips to his. When she accepted his invitation and the sensitive pads of their fingers make contact with each other, he said, "For many creatures, not just humans, it's a means of communication. Non-verbal, that is. Of course, not _all_ creatures are verbal to begin with, but for humans (who are), communication through touch then has come to possess a deeper meaning. That expressing one's feelings through touch, and being able to understand what that feeling is through touch alone, comes with having bonded with that person enough (including through touch) that there is an understanding between those two people that…doesn't have to be explained by any kind of…logic. It's like…learning to have faith in someone, I suppose," he added, musingly.

"I see," said Irisviel, and she did. Kiritsugu always explained things in a way that she could understand with her limited knowledge of how the world worked.

Kiritsugu proceeded to intertwine his fingers with Irisviel's, and she, following suit, understood without words just as he had said, that he wanted to link hands with her.

And so they did, clasping each other this way, palm to palm, fingers woven together at least at tightly as their hearts had become in the time they had spent together thus far. Irisviel reveled in this feeling too that she already knew what she would find in his eyes, and sure enough, she found it there when she looked up at him and met those eyes with her own crimson homunculus ones.

"So…is it because I know I have this connection, this understanding, this bond…with you…that it makes me happy because…humans are innately fulfilled by sharing these things with other humans?" she asked.

"Yes," said Kiritsugu with a noticeable catch in his throat, which was enough to express that _he_ certainly was fulfilled by sharing what the two of them had achieved and would achieve in the future…that love that had grown between them.

This, in and of itself, was a happy dream.

"Ah. Then let me share with you…these words: I had a wonderful dream before waking up today. Do you want to hear about it?"

The eagerness in Kiritsugu's renewed smile was answer enough, but even so, he said, "Of course. Tell me everything."

Irisviel hesitated a moment, for though the dream was happy, the fact that it was something that could not be for them would make him sad. But still. She wanted to share it with him.

"I dreamed…that you and I…were walking hand-in-hand, in the paradise of that world you've been hoping for…that world without tears…and our sweet Ilya ran ahead of us, as we made our way home…."

And there it was. That sadness emerging from his dark eyes. But even so, he went on smiling. That smile that told her even when he was happy, he was still somehow in pain.

Even so, he listened to her words, how she described that happy dream of a life where the two of them and their little daughter could live somewhere hidden from the world, in peace away from the Einzberns, from the battle that was the Holy Grail War…the War that would begin seven years from now. Irisviel would meet the end of her life so she could become the Vessel to summon the Grail, the required sacrifice, and Kiritsugu would lead her there by his gentle hand, even as he grieved doing so.

Because he had a beautiful dream that he wanted the entire world to share in. What could be nobler than that, that simple dream of a world where no one had a reason to cry? Certainly she couldn't ask for anything better for the future of her daughter, who would take her place as the sacrifice should there be another war to follow this coming one…and Irisviel found…as a mother…she could not bear something so awful as a fate like that falling upon her only child. Nor could Kiritsugu. In this, wife and husband were unspokenly united.

And when she finished telling him about this little dream she'd had in sleep, he said, very softly, "Ah…what a lovely dream." Then he leaned over and touched his lips to her brow, and in it, Irisviel felt something she might describe as…sacred.

When the two of them withdrew to look into each other's eyes, Irisviel held her breath, and she knew Kiritsugu did the same.

The moment was broken—though happily, oddly enough—by the soft little vocal sounds of their one-year old baby daughter Ilyasviel—Ilya for short—waking up in the little bassinet beside their bed. Irisviel couldn't help a swell of delighted excitement inside her, and she gave an eager gasp and sat up. Kiritsugu chuckled in his reserved way and sat up too.

Beaming as she leaned over the bassinet, Irisviel's smile only grew wider as her baby daughter blinked up at her with crimson eyes that were just like hers. What a precious jewel of a child she was, heartbreakingly cute in her tininess, in the way she jerkily lifted up her arms and reached up for her mother, her mouth working into the smile she had just learned to communicate to her parents for herself.

Ilya gave a kind of squeal as she did this, and Irisviel was all the more delighted. She could almost feel her insides fizzle…like…stardust, maybe? Or something like that. There was really no other way to describe it, even after all she had learned about feeling the way a human being does.

Kiritsugu came up behind her as she bent down and happily scooped her daughter up into her arms and held her gently against her, against her beating heart…a beating heart created artificially by the hands of her "grandfather", Jubstacheit—or Acht—von Einzbern, and constructed solely for the purpose of acting as the core Vessel of the Holy Grail…yet gifted by the man she came to love with something more than that. It was wonderful, really, and a miracle.

That, in and of itself, was all a happy dream worth living, if even for a short while.

Kiritsugu put the _kimono_ he'd bought for her as a wedding present around her shoulders and pressed his lips to her cheek as he looked over at their daughter in his wife's arms. Irisviel felt him smile softly against her skin.

"She looks a little bigger today, doesn't she?" he murmured.

"Mmmm, maybe a little," said Irisviel, still trying to fathom even after a year of motherhood how this tiny life that she had carried inside her and birthed—not without a lot of pain and difficulty she couldn't bear to share with her husband, who had enough to deal with already—still affected her like this, how she still filled her with such wonder.

In technical terms she was a miracle in that she was the crossing of blood between a homunculus and a human, something entirely new, and already considered a part of Grandfather Acht's dream of obtaining the Grail. But Irisviel didn't care about that anymore. She only felt the compulsion to fight for a happy future for she that was her very own child, that dream which no Einzbern homunculus before her had known. Yet in some way, she could feel all of her predecessors share in this joy with her, which might not be so far off, as they had all born a connection to their progenitor, Lord Justeaze, their cells taken from this original in the Einzbern line of homunculi.

This child that was a reflection of both herself and the man she adored.

A strange dream indeed, but no less wonderful.

"She gets even cuter every day, that's for certain," Kiritsugu went on. "And she was impossibly cute to begin with."

Irisviel threw a grin over her shoulder at him. "Look at you… _gushing_ ," she teased.

Kiritsugu became slightly sheepish, and in his usual, subdued fashion, made no comment. His dark eyes said everything, more than enough.

Except to say, "Ah…Iri," and in the way he said it, it encompassed all the depth of love that he felt for her, a love that was honestly too profound for words, for anything more than that.

Was it because he was going to lose her? Perhaps. Irisviel couldn't be sure, as he was the first and only human she had ever spent time like this with, the first man she had come to know and had decided to love. Maybe some would call that pathetic, but Irisviel was more than happy to have been given this wonderful thing called love with this man, this man who had told her that his own experiences with love had been broken and cut tragically short, both in romantic love, and in filial love too, both for his father and for the woman who had raised him into a cold, mercenary assassin like a foster mother. She had this sense that that was why his love for her was so deep and precious, because he just couldn't seem to have what he'd described to her as anything normal in love, so finding something like that with her, he wasn't going to…what was the term? Oh yes: take it for granted.

Indeed, though it hurt him to be this happy, because it was a happiness he would cruelly be forced to undo for the sake of his ideals and his dreams of acting as the hero of justice he had always wanted to be—a _segi no mikata_ , as it was in the language of his native Japan—he was happy nonetheless, and Irisviel found she was happy for that.

And it wasn't without its bright spot, and that was their daughter Ilya. Certainly, Kiritsugu would be left with having to raise her on his own after he had saved the world and Irisviel had served her purpose as the Vessel of the Grail, but even so…there was beauty too in how happy their daughter and her being born made them both, and if that could be enough to carry their broken little love through, despite its flaws, despite what some might call its futility…

…then that dream too was more than enough for Irisviel.

She gave a soft laugh when she felt the tickle of her daughter's tiny fingers tugging at the neck of her nightgown, seeking to be nursed and fed, speaking volumes through those wide, bright crimson eyes.

"All right, little one," she said, "here we go." And she sank down on the edge of her and Kiritsugu's bed and gave her child what she needed from her in her hunger, for unlike her mother, who could subsist purely on mana, Ilyasviel did have a taste for food like a human would.

Kiritsugu sat beside the two of them, and as he watched them, fixedly and intently for a moment, the pride he felt for them both was more than clear in that quiet smile of his.

Irisviel glanced at him sidelong before looking down at her suckling daughter in her arms again, and for the moment, despite her limited knowledge of the world beyond Einzbern Castle, she knew somehow that she was one of the most fulfilled women in the whole world, wrapped up in such a simple, wonderful, fleeting dream of happiness.

All because of the dear and wonderful man beside her.

Looking back on it, despite its shakiness, it was quite beautiful how it had all come to be up until now, and no doubt that despite what tragedies lay ahead for them, it would go on being so, no matter what.


	2. Warmth

**Love Sprung from Words**

 **Warmth**

When Irisviel von Einzbern first met Kiritsugu Emiya, there was only a handful of things she knew. One was her purpose as the Vessel of the Holy Grail. One was to recognize threats against her and survive them, and such recognition had been written into her blood like a permutation, a series of logical pathways, without anything like instinct involved.

Another thing was pain.

That was something she had awoken to since the beginning, when Grandfather Acht cut into her, fresh from the cultivating tank, to analyze her Magic Circuits. Really, it hadn't been all that much worse when Kiritsugu had played against her instinctive expectations and struck her during their first proper meeting as a test of her ability to recognize and respond to danger. Even as he had raised his hand, prepared to strike, there had been no thought in her head that he would actually bring that hand down, until it had already happened.

In fact, she felt she had already come to understand him, from when she had first truly glimpsed him through red amniotic fluid while still incubating in her cultivating tank. There had been a voice other than the one she had first heard—Grandfather Acht's, that voice that had guided her towards being. This new voice had presented a cold mechanicalness no different from her own, yet her sensitivities, even then sharpening before she'd emerged, picked up on something…warmer. Though at the time, she thought of this as nothing more than something that she just happened to observe, nothing more.

But then…Grandfather had come to her shortly after her and Kiritsugu's first time speaking with each other in person, seeing to the bruise on her cheek where she'd been struck. And he instructed her, after he'd treated it, to follow him to one of the exits that led directly out from the Alchemy Chambers, where he'd had two of the other Einzbern homunculus maids strip her down, blindfold her, and take her out into the freezing, storming snow, proclaiming that if she could return to the castle alive, then she would prove her strength and durability as a homunculus to "our Mage-Killer Emiya".

Though the cold was painful too, Irisviel felt no fear, even as she could see nothing because of the blindfold, and her feet staggered beneath her as the two maids guided her through the snow. Even when they finally stopped, and one of the maids took the blindfold off while the other struck her much like Kiritsugu had and, even as she was prone and shivering, and was easily overcome and fell to her knees. Even when she looked up, blinking snow out of her eyes, and the two maids were already gone.

No, not even then she felt fear. Just the instinct to do whatever it took to survive, just as she had been programmed. There was nothing but certainty that she would easily manage to complete this test of Grandfather's.

Then the wolves appeared, all while Irisviel herself found she was going in circles trying to pick her way through the storming forest. She recognized the threat, knew this was something she would have to eliminate in order to survive, for she could not outrun it. She made an attempt with her alchemy, and though even so newly born, she was already so skillful with it, she could not take all of the wolves out with one blow. In her haste to get away and regroup, she scratched her leg on a jagged bit of tree that stuck up out of the frozen ground, and was forced to limp for cover, trailing blood through the snow behind her. She used alchemy to throw off her pursers again, and this time, all remaining wolves were run through by the hairs with which she infused with "life" in order to attack them. Those few that survived were forced to limp just as she had been doing, and retreat.

Drained of strength and breathing hard, Irisviel crawled the rest of the way to where she found shelter in a pocket of empty space beneath a tangle of tree roots. She slid underneath and curled up, covering herself with snow as much as she could, understanding that the snow would actually serve to keep her warm if used in this way. But even as she tried, she passed out from blood loss, cold, and exhaustion before she could completely cover herself.

And then all she knew was darkness, as she had before she had been called into being. The rest was a haze. Though she did hear the voice of Kiritsugu Emiya, she couldn't really make out what he was saying, everything was so distorted. Yet, she did sense that warmth again in his tone, just underneath that coldness. In fact, it was even more pronounced here. And then, even stranger was how that warmth became physical and enveloped itself around her, and Irisviel cracked her eyes open just enough to see that she was wrapped in that coat of Kiritsugu's, and that Kiritsugu himself had her cradled in his arms. He was looking off somewhere far away, likely trying to find the castle again in this storm, yet the warmth of his arms contradicted the coldness of his eyes.

After that, Irisviel knew nothing more as she passed out again and awoke with little memory of what had really happened and how she had gotten back to the castle.

And there was Kiritsugu, looking her over with something she did not understand in his pale face. Had he been watching over her?

When he told her what had happened, how he had sought her out and pulled her out of that snowstorm, that "ridiculous test" Acht had given her, again his voice was edged with cold, but again there was also warmth, somehow, in how low he spoke, how carefully, as if he thought that simply speaking up would break her. And there was something else underneath too, something else that was new, and earnest, something that was fiercely bursting to break free, and it created a shining light that burned deep in the depths of those dark, fathomless eyes of his, as bright as the flames crackling in the nearby fireplace, as he told her how angry she ought to be for what Acht had done to her, that in order to be truly strong, she would have to understand something like "anger" and what it meant to be angry for the sake of having happiness in one's life taken away, that he would teach her how the world beyond Einzbern Castle worked in order for her to properly understand it, if need be.

Well, whatever it was, it was something…she didn't want to see disappear. No, she did not want. She _wanted_ it to stay, she who had not been created with anything like personal desire in mind. Was it because of Kiritsugu's presence? Did relating to a human being like him awaken things in her that he somehow planted, without having had a hand in originally creating her? Or maybe this was all a variable that Grandfather Acht had not accounted for in his formulas?

Whatever it was, from there, everything else grew and bloomed. Irisviel began to feel warm just simply by looking at Kiritsugu, not just when she would listen to him speak. And indeed, as time went on, and he insisted on teaching her everything he could about the world so she could understand the concept of anger, his voice grew gentler and warmer with each passing lesson. It was something he unfolded from himself to show her, tentatively and furtively, particularly when he started to do more of that thing called "smiling", which Irisviel found she wanted to share in. She began to feel other warm things, like "anticipation", and that "happiness" he had mentioned too.

And it was all because of this man, who held out a warm hand to her to lead her into a world she would have never even thought of, let alone revel in getting to know. That and it sparked such curiosity within her that she began to seek out books to read beyond what he suggested to her in their lessons.

She riffled through these books eagerly, and Kiritsugu observed this in her one afternoon when he himself was leafing through books in a ponderous way, while the two of them spent their day as usual in the Einzberns' grand and ornate private library.

"What's this? You're acting like some wild idea's taken hold of you," he said in that tone that he called "teasing", something harmless and fun, amusing. Irisviel found she enjoyed that too, because sometimes he would do that thing called "laughing" too, and she thoroughly enjoyed hearing that sound from him, a deep rich sound that was sincere, raw, and pure.

Irisviel paused in her digging through the stack of books on the library table, glancing at where Kiritsugu sat in his chair by the fire, smiling, now unabashedly at her.

"Maaaaaaaaybe," she said, trying her own hand at teasing as she returned his smile. "But…it's a…secret…" she added hastily, amateurishly.

Kiritsugu only laughed that laugh of his, that laugh that was so full of warmth it created a strangely pleasant ache in Irisviel's artificially made heart. "I see. But, is there no way I can coax it out of you?" He closed his book and laid it aside.

Irisviel blinked. "'Coax'?"

"Gently convince you."

"Ah. Well, no…because…then it wouldn't be a secret! Right?"

Despite her suddenly growing—what was that term? Yes, flustered—despite her growing suddenly flustered, Kiritsugu just laughed again and agreed to let it be, and from there Irisviel, satisfied, cracked open a book called "Human Contact", and found the word, "love". Her eager heart began to beat faster, and as she read on, she grew increasingly fervent in her quest for knowledge, only to turn the page too fast and slice the tip of her index finger open on the corner of the page, where a stinging pain sprang forth, followed by the cool wet flow of a small bead of crimson blood.

"Oh!"

"Irisviel?" Kiritsugu looked up from where he'd taken up his book again, set it aside and rose from his chair when he saw how she was staring at her bleeding finger and desperately seeking something to stopper it with as her survival instincts kicked in.

"What's the matter with your finger?" Kiritsugu asked, crossing over to her at the table.

Irisviel, resorting to pinching the wound closed as best as she could with the thumb and forefinger of her other hand, looked up at him apologetically. "I…cut it open."

"Let me see."

Kiritsugu knelt down in front of her chair and she meekly laid her hand with the bleeding finger in the warm palm he offered her.

After he looked it over, he said, "Looks like a papercut."

"Yes."

"Nothing we can't patch up though," he said, giving her his smile again, and before she knew it he'd bent his head towards her finger and was touching his lips to it, sucking the blood off.

Irisviel felt a thrill inside her at him touching her this way, but he was very mechanical about it, focused. Then he instructed her to pinch it as she'd been doing before while he went to procure some kind of bandage, calling for one of the maids to bring a basic First Aid kit. There, he took a chair beside her at the table, and she let him cradle her wounded hand in his as he carefully applied some kind of balm and then wrapped the simple papercut in a strip of gauze and tied it off.

"It would seem your physiology doesn't respond to normal antibiotics," Kiritsugu observed aloud in a very clinical tone as he looked over his handiwork.

"Yes, that balm you put on was specifically designed for wounds on a homunculus," said Irisviel.

"Well, as long as it functions well for you, that's all that matters." And then he smiled at her again, and this time, Irisviel felt that she wanted something more from that smile, something more than wanting…it was… _desire_.

Eagerly, Irisviel went back to reading all she could lay her hands on that mentioned the subject of love, though without much guidance, she couldn't get as far as she'd have liked to. But then, that turned out to be just as well, as she also felt the need to broach the subject with Kiritsugu.

At first though, Kiritsugu expressed that he was strongly against the idea. Was it because she briefly contemplated the idea of trying to love _him_? Well, it _did_ feel logical, really, in that she did find him to be an interesting person, the kind of person she actually wanted to really get to know. It should follow that there was potential for her to fall in love with him if she attempted to do so, right?

Yet Kiritsugu seemed…frightened by the idea.

Irisviel didn't understand, but she didn't want him to worry so much about it either.

After all…put in terms her grandfather might have expressed…it was more or less just…an experiment.

But then things changed.

Every day, through Kiritsugu—albeit reluctantly—teaching her about the concept of love, she learned a little more about what kind of man he was, as she had been doing since day one of their lessons together. And something warm awoke inside her, just being around him, speaking with him, listening to him, watching him listen to her, interacting with him. At the same time, something about him opened up for her, something that brought out that smile of his that felt so special for some reason, and made her feel just so wonderfully warm, deep in her heart.

Was that where it started? Perhaps. With each passing moment she spent with him, Irisviel became more aware of it, and sharply so. However, she knew how much she began to feel it not just with a mere pleasant stirring, but with what could only be described as a "sweet ache" one morning when she went to the library after consulting as usual with grandfather in the Alchemy Chamber, as she caught the notes of what sounded like what Kiritsugu had called "music" floating from within.

Bursting with excitement, she hurried her footsteps to hear this new—what was it? Oh yes, "CD", or "compact disc"—that he had brought in. But…something made her stop, hold her breath, even as her heart within her fluttered like a nervous bird. Was…this love too? She hoped very much so, because…she realized in that moment…that it was a far more powerful and wondrous feeling than she ever could have imagined. And maybe that was a fatal mistake on her part, but she could not feel what they called regret over it either, at least not now, when it was so fresh and new to her.

It sounded like a beautiful orchestral arrangement, and somehow, it gave her the feeling like her heart was being lifted up high into the sky, making it beat faster. Something prickled at the corner of her eyes, and her throat grew tight, yet she couldn't help but smile. Was this what it meant to feel two things at once? To feel happy…and sad…at the exact same time?

Peering inside the library, being quiet as a mouse, she found Kiritsugu sat on the sofa with his hands folded under his chin, wearing a muted expression of gentle sobriety as he looked off to a place that she couldn't see. What was he thinking? She really wanted to know so badly, wanted him to share that with her, and then maybe…she could… _coax_ out that smile of his that she really liked seeing more and more. Though, if truth be told, she could probably look at his face no matter what for a very long time and never grow anything like bored of it. She was very much fascinated and drawn to it, that pale, angular face and thick dark hair that expressed such gravity, yet changed so incredibly when he gave her that soft smile that was what they called…kind.

And then he caught sight of her, his ears pricking up, his face surprised, maybe even a little flustered.

Irisviel was too, and she withdrew, throwing out a meek and hasty apology.

"No, no, it's fine," he reassured her, standing and turning down the volume on the stereo playing the music. "Please, Irisviel…come in. This is the newest CD I had brought in, I just…felt like listening to it myself."

Relieved that he wasn't anything like angry or upset, Irisviel happily stepped into the library and shut the door behind her, meeting Kiritsugu at the stereo. She joined him when he resumed his seat on the sofa after they bid "good morning" to each other.

"The song I was listening to is called 'Ave Maria'," he explained, as said song quietly played on at a very low volume on the stereo. "It was written by a composer named Franz Schubert."

"Ah." Irisviel caressed one of the speakers thoughtfully. "And when do the words come in?" So far, all the songs Kiritsugu had played for her had had someone singing words in them.

But Kiritsugu shook his head, smiling that smile of his. "There are no words in this version. For a very long time, the music people listened to often didn't have any words, or lyrics rather. Every emotion that the song wanted to convey was done through the instruments alone. Now, sometimes there might be a vocal accompaniment—Ave Maria has one, the words to the Roman Catholic prayer of the same name—but oftentimes it was just as meaningful to listen to it without words."

"Yes," said Irisviel, remembering all she had felt just upon hearing such notes being played. "How…breathtaking. Incredible."

"I guess…in that way, music can be a lot like how people communicate with and relate to each other…without words," Kiritsugu mused.

"Amazing," sighed Irisviel.

"Yes." Kiritsugu passed a hand over his face. "That prayer that comprises the words to accompany the song, the Ave Maria, or Hail Mary…is a call to that Blessed Mother to help those who need it most…and when I say 'Blessed Mother', I mean the mother of Jesus Christ, of course, but anyway…maybe that alone gave it the power to be something so comforting in its expression."

"Comforting?"

"Yes."

Their eyes met, and Irisviel held her breath again, fully understanding, somehow, just how much it meant that his attitude had changed so much from the cold, machine-like man she had first met. There was a light in those dark eyes that she was seeing more and more, soft and warm like a candle flame.

Comforting.

Irisviel felt her heart flutter again, and she twiddled her fingers out these new nerves that had taken hold of her. "Can we…listen to more?" she asked.

"You like it?" Kiritsugu's tone suggested that he might have been concerned that she wouldn't, somehow.

It was her turn to reassure him, and she smiled. "Yes, I do. It's…beautiful."

"Hm."

And then her heart fluttered even more when she thought she caught something more in that soft light in his eyes, an almost…reaching out. Did he…feel that thing called…desire too? That warmth? The idea that he might…made her both excited and timid at the exact same time.

She watched him as he reached over and gently turned up the volume to the track again, and Irisviel soon forgot her nerves as she grew comfortable just sitting with him like this, listening to such rich and beautiful music that was beyond explaining in mere words. Her red eyes passed over his hands, the lines of his face, his hair, and she couldn't help notice that he was letting his eyes look her over too, and somehow neither of them seemed to mind too much. Even Kiritsugu seemed to remember his modesty more quickly than she, she who had only begun to learn the meaning of things like modesty.

Still, even as Irisviel found she very much wanted to know what would happen if she tried to slide her fingers in his, she refrained. She found that she sensed that she might…"scare him off" if she did something like that, and she didn't want that.

She was no less pleased though when there came a sunny day when Kiritsugu invited her to simply take a walk with him out in the Einzberns' woods. That was the day they came across the nest of dead baby birds, and for the first time, Irisviel cried outright. Even with her limited understanding of death, there was something inherently sad about the idea of a lifeform that had just begun life to have that life snatched away already.

But as she crouched there crying, she heard Kiritsugu call to her as he stood helplessly behind her, uttering a very tiny sobriquet for her that carried its own warmth:

"Iri."

Then he was there, wrapping her up in the warmth of his arms. At first she instinctively wanted to withdraw, thinking of that day when her Cousin Malte tried to force himself physically on her when she didn't want it. But then she relaxed when she felt the gentility of how he held her against him, carefully, as if he were afraid he might break her, actually.

And he was so warm. He made her feel so safe with her own vulnerable feelings, like she could bear such sadness because he was holding her like this.

"This is all I can do for you, right now," he told her softly, hoarsely.

So Irisviel accepted it. Felt even that he had saved her again, as he had saved her from the cold snow that stormy day. And it was more than warm gratitude that she felt then. It was something more. She wanted very much to stay with him this way for a long while, but he broke off the embrace far too soon, encouraging her to her feet and helping her up, walking with her onward through the forest. Though she felt a little embarrassed now that she had cried over the baby birds, somehow, Kiritsugu seemed to understand without having to say much.

Then he slid his gloved hand in hers, and seemed intent on pulling away when he became afraid that she might not want him to, but she assured him that it was all right. Even if she couldn't find words to speak for still feeling upset over the birds, she found she could communicate without words, nodding and squeezing his hand back. And that flooded her heart with warmth, even in her melancholy.

 _I'm thinking…Kiritsugu Emiya…that I love you…and I hope…you love me too…because if you don't…I don't know where I could go from there…. I only know that I would be sad and angry…because of love…because love…is stronger than anger…because anger…and sorrow…and grief…all come from love…._

From there she felt her melancholy grow from her uncertainty about how Kiritsugu might feel about her. But he, thinking she was still sad about the birds, offered one day to teach her how to dance a dance called the waltz, and then he realized…and she realized….

Though he tried to pull away again, perplexingly afraid of his own feelings—but then maybe it wasn't so perplexing, for she found somehow that she was kind of afraid of her feelings too—when she convinced him to offer her something called a "kiss", which he considered to be something sacred among all the expressions of love that existed, at first he was rough with her, as though he were trying to push her away in his own insecurity. It hurt when he practically bit her in doing so, but then she sought to show him her own feelings back, clinging to him even when he tried to deter her efforts, pressing forward with the warmth of her own lips, despite her inexperience, despite this being her very first kiss.

But this got him to soften, and he offered that softness and warmth back to her, as his smell of leather and the faint whisper of cigarettes filled her, electrified her, made her feel lit up with a warm glow that she wanted to float in with him forever, holding onto him this way.

"Kiritsugu…I love you," she told him.

"Yes…and I love you too…Iri," he told her back, his warmth flooding her.

She lingered in this warm light, relishing— _relishing_ —in the feel of his warmth, the pounding of his heart next to her as he pressed her gently against her chest, the sound of his breathing so close to her, as shallow as hers, yet the way their rhythms matched was somehow binding between them. Even as it still made her tremble with fear, she trembled with joy at the exact same time, and when she looked up at him, she found what she hoped she would, that smile of his that seemed so afraid to come out, yet clearly longed to.

He reached up and touched the side of her face, his hand so warm that she reached up and covered it with her own.

And for a while, indeed, they stayed that way, unspeaking, and Irisviel mused that if all that was passing between them now were somehow turned into music, it would create a piece that would transcend in warmth and beauty far beyond even that of the divine Ave Maria.


	3. Love

**Love Sprung from Words**

 **Love**

In one of the many books on topics of biology that Irisviel went through, one of them said something that stuck in her mind. It was a passage on reproduction processes, and in a basic introduction to the subject, it had read: "The purpose of two organisms of the same species and of opposite sexes breeding—whether for life or for only once—is to generate offspring."

Obviously, Irisviel had had a lot questions about these words she didn't know. Reaching for the dictionary, she had looked up the word "breed" and "offspring", as they were the two that for her needed defining.

"Let's see here…'offspring':…'children or young of a particular parent or progenitor'—like Grandfather? Hm. Okay, let's see and…'breed'…ah…noun…verb…oh, here we are: 'to produce offspring'. Hm. That makes sense."

Though it did leave her wondering how breeding actually worked.

So Irisviel expanded her reading a bit. She spent an entire afternoon reading up on all the aspects of how procreation worked, and what it was as an integral part of the systems of living things. This had branched out into her interest in learning more about not only love (which she would bring up with Kiritsugu later on), but other things like sex and the idea of having children as a result.

Shortly after she and Kiritsugu had each declared that they had feelings of love for the other, Irisviel went back to this concept of the biological need for two mated individuals of opposite genders to produce offspring. Not only did it ensure the survival of a species, but, further exploring parent-child relationships and the kind of love they were meant to contain, something struck her, not so much in the words, but in the photographs featured in the book she was currently reading.

One was of a human mother nursing her newborn baby, and another was of a human father patting his small child on the head as the two of them laughed. Something glowed inside Irisviel to see that.

And then Irisviel began to think of a tiny person who possessed features from both Irisviel and Kiritsugu in different combinations. A warmth that she felt was the pristine and sunny color of gold settled inside her at the musing, and she couldn't help wondering at it, how it sparked something in the beat of her heart, stirring in the pit of her stomach. It made her want to smile, even give a couple anticipatory kicks with her ankles.

A person, small and new, created because two people loved each other, born with the traits of both those people, not constructed in a tube of fluid.

Born from love, and therefore showered with love and protected.

To carry on the future, one the parents would not live to see, but prayed for happiness for the child who in lived in that future in their stead.

For something so functional as a chain-like system of perpetuating a species like humans, it certainly wasn't without poetry.

A few imaginings unfurled in Irisviel's mind before she knew it: a little boy with dark hair and red eyes...or a little girl with silver hair and dark eyes...or a little girl with dark hair and red eyes…or a boy with silver hair and dark eyes…and every one caused a little tug on her heart. She began to wonder too if such thoughts would make Kiritsugu happy too. Surely they would, for it would mean that he would be even less lonely. He would have one more person to love and cherish, who would surely love and cherish him.

And that was...why she felt...a strange mixture inside her of two feelings that somehow felt comfortable together, settling inside her, yet at the same time reaching up and twisting at her heart. It was both joy and sorrow...yellow and blue...white and black...

It was that same feeling she'd had when she'd found the baby birds, yet at the same time, thinking again about something like bearing a child, like a mother would, a child that belonged to her and Kiritsugu, who shared their blood, and their love, that lifted her.

In the time she and Kiritsugu would spend falling deeper and deeper in love together, she would come back to these thoughts very often. Especially when he would tell her, with tender earnest, how much he wanted to promise to take to take her away from this place to see beautiful things she had only seen in pictures.

Like flowers. And the sea.

Even on her own, without Kiritsugu, here was something new she was learning about love. That it was painful.

And yet…and yet….

She couldn't give up on it. After all, what she realized, and Kiritsugu had yet to, was that the true strength was never giving up. And though, she _would_ have to give up her life, she would hold onto this thing called love.

Hold onto it, no matter what.

* * *

The following afternoon, Irisviel found herself exhibiting another new form of behavior—spacing out—as her mind wandered back to her reflections on what she had read the previous day. Kiritsugu's calling her name jerked her out of it, finding herself back in her chair by the fire in the library.

"Eh? What?"

Kiritsugu stared at her a moment before shaking his head and chuckling under his breath. "Something on your mind?" he asked from where he was knelt beside a box on the floor between their fireside chairs.

"Mm, just thinking about something I read," Irisviel said evasively, realizing she preferred to keep the particulars of her thoughts to herself for the moment. She wasn't sure how Kiritsugu would react, and she didn't want to cause him concern should knowing she was thinking about such things upset him.

Clearing her throat, she changed the subject and leaned forward in her chair. "So what's in there?" She nodded towards the box on the floor.

"Ah, well, just a few things I had sent for, since you expressed an interest in discussing gender roles." Kiritusugu opened the box and started pulling out items that he explained were actually children's toys—different kinds of dolls from several different countries, plastic tea sets, as well as trains, cars, and figurines that were called "action figures", made to resemble things from strange creatures and beasts to robots.

"See?" Kiritsugu picked up one of the robots. "Boys are often encouraged to play with toys that foster impulses to fight with other boys, while girls are often given toys that serve to develop their maternal instincts. As a means to prepare them for the roles society subtly and not-so-subtly expects them to play—boys grown into men who would learn to fight in order to obtain food for their families and defend their homes from enemies, or conquer enemies for personal gain and increased chances of survival, and girls grown into women who give birth to and nurture the children. It's really only been the last half a century—if that—that such expectations have been challenged to their utmost, for the role of women was turned into a rather confining one, warped into an idea that the one who minded our children had no right to express her own thoughts, that there was the false assumption that she didn't even have thoughts to think…that she was weak and delicate, and therefore helpless without a man…." He gave a dry laugh. "I have seen that proven wrong many times over…but…I have also seen a woman's struggle to follow a man's path destroy that woman, quite as much as I have seen it destroy a man, if not more…."

Thoughtfully, Irisviel picked up one of the dolls. It was one made of porcelain, her skin as ivory as Irisviel's. Yet feeling her, Irisviel knew she was hollow on the inside. She traced the doll's face a little sadly, though she still appreciated the beauty of the artisan's craftsmanship, especially the life he or she had given to the eyes, so blue and vibrant, yet as soft and sweet as the smiling mouth. The dress was very pretty too, something from a period called 'la belle époque' in France, which roughly translated to something like 'the beautiful time period' (Irisviel thought it sounded better in French).

 _Something so pretty, but hollow._

Irisviel shivered, a little scared at how much of herself—or at least, her homunculi sisters and foremothers—she saw in that doll, but she didn't want Kiritsugu to see, so instead of outright flinging the doll away, she set it aside back in the box.

Kiritsugu meanwhile had put down the robot after fiddling with its arms a bit and had now picked up another one of the dolls, this one made of straw by the look of it. Examining the doll, his face softened into something Irisviel had learned to recognize as reminiscence where he was concerned: remembering something from his past, usually bittersweetly.

"What is it, Kiritsugu?" Irisviel couldn't help asking.

Kiritsugu looked up at her, his smile still faint, though blinking as though he'd woken from a dream. "Oh. Ah. This just…reminded me…." He considered the doll again. "When I was in a country called Iraq, there was this little girl who had a doll a lot like this one…she and her brothers were really hungry, but…there were no parents…that wasn't uncommon. They were begging on the street, but no one passing by gave them a thing…but then, they really had nothing to give themselves ….

"I myself was wary of giving them the large chunk of bread I'd just bought, knowing from experience that such life-hardened children had been forced to assume the mentality of rats, setting upon any scraps they came upon virulently and without mercy towards anyone else. I didn't want to cause any trouble to children I just wanted to help. So I was cautious about it, inviting. I knelt down and told them, 'Hey, I have a surprise for you. But you have to promise me two things: you have to share it with each other, and you must treat it with care.' It was a longshot, but I had to at least try. In the end, they heeded my words, and stayed perfectly still when I pulled out the loaf of bread from my bag, even as they licked their lips, their eyes so hollow and hungry. And the eldest brother ended up giving the largest piece of the loaf to their little sister playing with her doll.

"And then she looked at me and smiled a smile so sweet…I could've cried. For one weak moment, I just wanted to be able to protect _these_ children but…I had a job that day. I could not let myself forget the bigger picture." He paused and sniffed, swallowed. "Not long after that, that town where I came across those children was attacked, but I couldn't turn back. I had to carry out taking down the target I'd been hired to kill. But…when I'd finished, at least with the hope that doing so would keep things like that attack from happening again, I went back to that town…and those children…." He took a deep shaky breath and swallowed again. "That little girl had held onto her doll until the very end."

Irisviel's mouth had gone dry, listening to Kiritsugu tell this story. She thought even that for a moment she could almost see it: him, knelt in the wake of a destroyed town—like the ones in those photo he'd shown her time and again—so sad he couldn't even weep, grieving the deaths of children he'd wished he could have protected, that he would've tried. It was the crux of how exactly she admired him in her own unique way: she just couldn't grasp everything he tried to tell her about how the world was at once beautiful yet cruel, but she could plainly see the mixture of joy and pain that it caused him, and how he pressed onward in spite of that—even as it was with the hollow mechanicalness of a machine—and those feelings reached her too…because she loved this man.

Once again she felt that golden feeling settle inside of her, so warm and sweet she could've cried herself. More than that though, but something clicked inside of her as she watched Kiritsugu consider the doll with such tenderness, even as it was made bleak by the sadness of the memory attached to it: something that was perhaps fundamental and primal in the female half of any species, not just perhaps humans…and despite being a homunculus, as a female…as a woman…she felt it, just the same…that instinct in a female to seek out a male mate that would in part possess the qualities necessary to make a good father.

She pictured those imagined children again, the possibilities of what one child of her and Kiritsugu's might be like, and she could see it so clearly in her mind then how he would be as a father to that child. Even if his assistant, Maiya, was the closest thing he'd had to experience with children (and she had a feeling that might be stretching it), the evidence of the depth of love he possessed in his heart, to have gone to the extremes he had gone throughout his life just to save those of others, was enough for Irisviel to make up her mind on this matter she'd thus far kept to herself.

For now, she would continue to keep that to herself, lest she frighten Kiritsugu off. She could sense he was already reticent enough, but even so, there was nothing but complete sincerity in the beautiful feelings he felt, already so powerfully, for her, and she for him in turn. Just the same, pondering such things, she couldn't help answering an impulse to reach out to him, as he was just within reach of her if she casually leaned over.

And so doing, she carefully brushed her fingers through his dark hair, holding back her touch so as not to startle him. He was rather like a lone deer in that way, or some other kind of solitary animal.

As predicted, she felt his reaction to her touch, but he jumped only a little. He softened and smiled again when he realized what she was doing, and she stroked his hair again, this time making closer contact, her fingertips tenderly caressing his brow, as though she could simply brush away the cares that seemed to weigh so heavily on it. It almost seemed like she could, the way he looked at her now as she stroked back his hair again and again.

"Iri," he murmured, and reached up and laid his hand over the one she was stroking his hair with, pressing it against his cheek and closing his eyes as he touched his lips to the inside of her palm.

And then he made a sound that was like a laugh and a moan somehow at the exact same time. But perhaps that was fitting for him.

Then he opened his eyes, and for Irisviel they spoke of what he felt for her more preciously than words alone could.

Though he said them just the same—even if they were in Japanese and Irisviel couldn't understand them:

" _Iri…daisuki da_."

Iri blinked in confusion, only able to make a guess at the words' meaning. "Does that mean…'I love you', in Japanese?"

"It's a form of it," Kiritsugu explained, running the pad of his thumb over the back of her hand. "A first step, if you will. Or more accurately, ' _suki da_ ' is, but I think we're past even that so, call it step two. There are…certain levels depending on the depth of one's feelings. But that's to be expected in a culture where presentation of manners in interpersonal interactions and relationships are given such weight and importance. Everything is given its proper place and respect. Especially things like love."

"Ah…." Irisviel sighed. "Does that mean one day, I'll hear you say it in a way that means 'deeply and forever'?" she asked, though she might've been teasing just a little.

Kiritsugu however was completely serious, even as he went on smiling.

Smiling like a promise.

"Perhaps…one day. Yes…I think so."

In that moment, Irisviel had no more doubts in her own heart, that even if Kiritsugu did, she could help overcome them, because, limited as she was, she couldn't imagine loving anyone else but him.

For what little time she had left in this life.

* * *

And then there came the day when Kiritsugu pulled away from her kiss and told her that they could no longer go forward with this, that he could not love her, and she could not love him.

Yet as soon as he told her why they couldn't be together, she realized that everything he said made sense logically. And she realized that her own musings about the idea of the two of them having a child together now had a reason to come up.

Even so, Kiritsugu was reluctant to go along with the idea at first. There were so many things flashing across his face as the light of the fire in the library fireplace danced over it. Not long ago, Irisviel would not have been able to recognize or distinguish these, much less understand them, but now she saw…pain, anger, fear…

…and love.

There was something inherently heartbreaking to see such things working on his face, to see those dark eyes lit with love even as he tried to distance himself from her, even as pain, anger, and fear glinted in equal measure. Now more than ever, Irisviel felt an aching impulse to wrap her arms around him and hold him to her, cradle him like he'd done for her when she'd found those baby birds, and save him like she was unable to save them.

Because she loved him, and he loved her, and no matter what they did, those feelings would still be there.

So she told him with a bracing smile, promised him that she would bear him a child that would give him hope when she had carried out her own purpose for the Fourth Holy Grail War. More than that, but she insisted too that in bearing a child, she imagined she would find some completeness in herself as a woman, to learn what it meant to become a mother, to feel that pride, that honor, of bringing a brand new life into the world.

As such, Kiritsugu found he could no longer argue the point with her, seeing how she'd made up her mind, and had no intention of letting go of this. Truth be told, he did not want to either, and there was a flash of gratitude in his expression as he relented at last, as if to say, "Thank you for finding a way to make this possible," because as he embraced her then, she felt through every fiber of her being how very happy he was that he could share this with her after all, thanks to her proposal. His voice shook only once, when he asked that she bear him a strong child, and the kiss they shared then when she told him of course she would was equally divine.

Still, Kiritsugu felt compelled to speak one last warning when they broke apart. He gently stroked back her silver hair from her flushed face as he said: "Just understand, it'll be hard. I have no real experience to speak of with children, as I said. But I know that raising a child won't be without its difficulties. And giving birth…." He looked her over, as if he was already imagining the kind of stress and exertion and pain she would have to put her body through for the sake of all of this.

"Kiritsugu…." Irisviel didn't know what else to say in the face of such piercing concern that he expressed for her.

But then he took her hand and kissed it, like a knight kissing that of his fair beloved maiden. And he smiled again.

"But you're right. You _are_ stronger than me. It goes without saying that any child you would bear would be strong too. Ah. From the moment I first saw you…from the moment I met you…you've been one surprise after another."

"Has that been a good thing?" Irisviel asked.

"Ah, but of course it has," Kiritsugu chuckled, and beckoned her to him.

Gladly, she accepted the invitation to curl up in his arms in front of the fire for a bit. Wrapped up in each other like this, nothing else in the world existed for Irisviel but the two of them. Granted, her world thus far had been very small, but even so, she was incandescently happy, her head resting against his warm chest, feeling the reassuring and strong beat of his heart against her ear, the calming rhythm of his deep breathing.

"I feel like…we're kids hiding out from some storm," Kiritsugu mused, and he actually did sound rather boyish as he spoke. "I almost don't want it to end, so we can stay like this."

"Yes but…it has to end, doesn't it?"

"Yes."

"So then…this is what they call…making a memory." Irisviel lifted her head and blinked up Kiritsugu's slightly off-guard expression. She beamed. "Yes, we'll make lots of happy ones, just like this one, add it to the ones we've already made and make more. Those are things you can keep forever. Here, right?" She reached over and brushed her fingertips against his chest.

Kiritsugu considered her a moment, and then he smiled again, even if it was just a little bit sad. But then, it would always be that way for him. "Ah, yes. You're absolutely right." He laid a hand over the one she held to his heart, grasped it in his and gently squeezed it as he murmured in his deep, richly baritone voice: "So then… _itsumo shiawase ni suru yo_. That means…I'll always make you happy."

At that moment, Irisviel could have sworn that pieces of starlight had fallen into her eyes, but she barely had a chance to catch her breath before Kiritsugu caught her lips again in his, and then she just couldn't help kissing him back, and then giggling for all the happiness bubbling inside of her.

It seemed the reaction was catching, because Kiritsugu broke off slightly and then laughed too, before he tenderly pressed his nose against hers in a gesture that was called "nuzzling", enveloping her in his smell of leather touched so faintly with the whisper of cigarette smoke. And the two of them kept laughing, and it was like the ringing sounds settled into the library walls around them, casting a kind of spell that would always keep the two of them safe when they were alone here this way.

In this moment, there were no regrets for either of them, certainly not for Irisviel, but nor for Kiritsugu either. No regrets at all. Just love, and love alone.


	4. Pulse

**Love Sprung from Words**

 **Pulse**

The Einzberns, in their tendency towards European as well as mage propriety, cut off as they kept themselves from the world, mage or otherwise, laid the condition of marriage upon Irisviel's and Kiritsugu's formally announcing to them that not only had they confessed their love to each other, but that they intended on going through with the innocent endeavor of bearing a child as proof of that love.

More than that though, but in the time that Jubstacheit was quiet during Greta Einzbern's laying this condition before them, he seemed to have come to a decision of his own, an idea forming in his mind. Somehow Irisviel could tell, perhaps of her unique connection to him and the Einzbern bloodline as a homunculus created from the original cells of Lord Justica.

And then Acht told them the second condition they would have to follow if they wished to go through with having this child of theirs: they would have to consent to offer it as a "backup Vessel" in the event that Irisviel's and Kiritsugu's efforts in the Fourth Holy Grail War failed.

A possible death had been decided for the child they wanted to have, before it was even born, before it would even be conceived. On a minor aside, therefore, the gender and appearance of the child was decided then as well: not a boy, but a girl; not dark-haired, but silver-haired; not dark-eyed, but red-eyed.

Just another copy of herself. Not her own person.

Irisviel had the curious sensation that she was going to scream and throw up at the same time. Yet she did neither, as Kiritsugu spoke up beside her, and everything about the narrowing of his eyes, the rigidity of his jaw told her he was about to argue the point with Jubstacheit, defy it even.

In a matter of just a few reckless, rebellious words, he would ruin any chance he had with being able to serve as the Einzbern Master in the Fourth War and lose the best chance he had at obtaining the Grail…for Grandfather would cast him out or worse if he didn't agree to both terms in this matter.

Panicking, Irisviel grabbed Kiritsugu by the arm and cut across him, informing Acht that they would follow the two conditions accordingly, and inclining her head, ushered the both of them out of the room. She wasn't even apprehensive at how Kiritsugu stared at her as though she'd slapped him, and then stiffened, and then pried himself away from her halfway to his office.

She felt her eyes grow hot and her heart pound desperately as she flew after him the rest of the way, bracing herself for the outburst she could feel coming, and come it did the moment she shut the door behind them.

"Why did you stop me?" he exploded at her.

But even in the face of his fury, Irsivel willed herself to stand tall and strong: a white mountain peak unbending to the howls of a fierce wind.

 _Remind him_ , she told herself. _Remind him what he stands to lose if he carries on like this._

And she did. She reminded him that if he wished to take advantage of this rare opportunity to work for the Einzberns on his quest to claim the Grail, he would have to go on going along with what Grandfather Acht wished, no matter what.

Even if it meant being willing to offer up the life of the child they had just considered having.

However, it was harder than it might have been had they been having this conversation almost three months ago. Although three months ago, they wouldn't have been having this conversation in the first place.

But then, Kiritsugu had changed quite a bit, as had Irisviel.

No. No, that wasn't it. If he'd changed, then how could Irisviel still feel such love for him as she did? No, it was because he let her see the real man that lived beneath that cold, unforgiving mask, how warm and kind he really was. _That_ was the man Irisivel loved so dearly.

Sadly, if he had any hope of achieving the Grail, it would seem he could not afford to _be_ that man, lest he should just concede now and bow out.

After everything he had told her, a few of the wounded parts of himself that he had let her see and soothe with her words, having taught her how to soothe with words in the first place, she wasn't about to let him lose that because he did something stupid, even if she was rather contributing to that stupidity in her own way.

Yes, yes it was actually stupid for him to have given into falling in love with her. More than likely that thought haunted Kiritsugu still, even in this moment. _specially_ in this moment.

Yet…and yet….

Before Irisviel knew it, her tears had broken free along with everything else inside her, her love for Kiritsugu spilling from her heart and spreading like spilt blood all over the floor. She gasped and then began to weep and cry and sob, burying her face in her hands.

It was hitting her all over again, the urge to scream and vomit at the same time. Unlike before, she had no reason to hold any of that back…there was a tiny life she wanted to bring into the world, one that would be possible because she and Kiritsugu would take steps to create such a child with a sharing of their genetic information. But part of her excitement over it had been not just that it was something alive that Kiritsugu could love and put his hope into once she was gone and he was left alone without her: the other part of it had been the anticipation of waiting to find out what that life might be, same as any other expectant parent—the possibilities of what sex it would be, what it would look like…now most of that would be decided, as had been done for all of her homunculi forbears, despite the difference of this one being born as any normal human being would, instead of in a tube.

Worst of all, the child's fate had all but been decided.

A "back up Vessel".

Yet, crazily enough, even with so much hope slipping away, and what was left set on such a precarious precipice, Irisviel found she still had to cling to it. And cling to it she did as she wept openly, swallowing back a lump in her throat, one of rage, and grief, both so strong that her stomach heaved again, still threatening to cause her to regurgitate.

But then there was Kiritsugu's voice, soft as a gentle touch. Pleading even, apologetic. That note that was always there, just underneath.

 _Please forgive me._

"Iri…I…I'm sorry."

Irisviel peered up at him from her fingers, her red eyes redder from crying, her cheeks tear-streaked.

Kiritsugu had softened, seeing her crumple like this, under the weight of what she would have to face as a mother giving birth to a child she already knew she might not be able to protect, no matter how much she loved and cherished it. She had started out so steely, declaring with an iron will that the two of them would work all the harder to win, that they _had_ to win, that losing was not an option for them, now more than ever (which was saying something considering how hell-bent on it Kirtisugu had already been).

Now she couldn't help it and had just started crying and crying and crying.

And Kiritsugu came to her and enfolded her in his arms, gentle and strong.

Irisviel sucked in her breath: having his arms around her made her feel so safe all of a sudden, and a painful pressure in her chest relaxed, and even as she cried even harder, the weight of the sorrow was easier to bear with him holding her so close, with such fierce care, the sound of his breathing so comforting, as if hearing it wrapped her in a warm blanket, reassuring her that he was here, and he was with her, both body and soul.

His hold on her tightened, as if he were trying to expel all of her sadness from her with the strength of his embrace alone. He even trembled, as though he was taking the weight of it upon himself. But then…that was what he was always trying to do, wasn't it? As frosty as he had initially been, beneath that was that youth he had been who wanted nothing more than to see everyone around him happy, which gave his promise to her to always try to make her happy all the more affecting.

Full of wonder even as her sadness gripped her so painfully, she blinked up at him through her tears, and the expression he wore was subtle, his smile reserved, but in his dark eyes, she could see a light that conveyed the depth of comfort and reassurance he was offering her. To someone who didn't know him, they probably wouldn't pick up on it. But Irisviel had come to know him rather well, even in the short time that they had spent together so far.

There was an earnestness to him too that Irisviel detected, one that was not unlike her own, fragile and wavering, caught between hope and uncertainty. It was something innocent the two them shared, both of them in unfamiliar territory in which one must tread lightly and with great care. But his earnestness also contained that silent, ever-present plea to be forgiven, even if he wasn't understood.

And then he leaned over and touched his lips to her tear-stained cheek, saying that since their child would be female, that would narrow down his options for picking out a name for her. Irisviel affirmed this as such, to which he said something that was further affecting given all the thoughts swirling in her head:

"Then I'll make her a girl as happy as I'll make her mother."

So moved, throat tight, Irisviel could only moan out his name, this man who was teaching her the meaning of hope in what they had shared together as two people falling in love.

As a means to distract her and himself from their distress, he invited her to take one of their forest walks, enveloping themselves in solitude, away from the rest of the Einzberns and the castle. There, they found a rose blooming despite the frozen crust of snow that covered the forest, and Kiritsugu picked it and pinned it into her silver hair for safekeeping until they could bring it inside and put it in some water.

It began to snow as he did this, and the two of them looked up. Then Kiritsugu stuck out his tongue and caught the flakes on it, chuckling at the taste of them. Irisviel giggled when she asked him what he was doing, and then he got a rather boyish grin on his face as he showed her how to make snow angels. After Kiritsugu helped her to her feet when she made her own, he commented that her angel was better than his.

Irisviel however disagreed, saying that she thought they were both equally done well. Hers was perhaps more diminutive, but there was something about the two beside each other like a couple that made her overlook any flaws in shape that might've been there.

And then the memory of the music Kiritsugu had played on that device—what was that called? Oh right, a "victrola"—came to her, and she suddenly felt like dancing with him as they had done then. Kiritsugu was drawn into playing along with her, and led her in a waltz. And somehow, even though neither of them could hear what tune was playing in the other's head, they kept in time with each other as they danced as if they _did_ know.

In the moment they both stopped, she felt Kiritsugu hold her a little tighter, as if he might be afraid she'd blow away in the wind. So she held onto him just as tightly, sighing against him, thanking him for being the strong one this time.

"And I hope you feel better too," she added.

"I do," Kiritsugu admitted, his voice edged with the faintest quaver. "And it's because…right now…I can be alone with you."

"Oh Kiritsugu…." She was so glad, overflowing with such happiness that her tears came back. For in that moment, she could openly declare that it was for his sake alone that she carried on with the vow to reach the Grail. What the Einzberns had in mind, she no longer cared. In her heart, she was bound to Kiritsugu in this way, just as sacredly as they would be in marriage, if not more so. When he stiffened at her reminding him that in order for them to achieve those goals, she would have to forfeit her life regardless, she quickly reassured him, pleaded with him not to think of it now, to only think of how happy she was with him in this moment.

She pulled back to look up into his eyes, to look over that face she had come to love so well, that softened so gently when he looked back at her, so reserved and yet so honest and clear and unrestrained somehow in its expression of his being happy to be with her. His smile told her everything, even as at the same time it looked like he was about to cry himself.

But he pulled her to him and buried his face in her hair, holding her close. No, it seemed she would never see him shed tears, or at the very least, he was determined that she wouldn't. So she would let him do what he needed for himself and his own sake, and handle him as one might handle shards of broken crystal, with care, even as they were so beautiful in the light.

"Oh Iri…thank God for you."

Irisviel pressed closer to him. "Do I really hold you together so well?"

Kiritsugu pulled back and looked at her. "Of course you do." Then he chuckled. "Does that surprise you?"

"Well…I mean…it's just that…I never considered anyone…relying…on me. At least, not in any simple sense. I have my…purpose of course…." Irisviel carefully skirted the issue of bringing up her role as the Vessel of the Grail again after she tried to apologize for bringing it up in the first place. She swallowed. "But this is different."

"Hm." Kiritsugu stroked back a few strands of her silver hair from her face. "You're different. You're like no one I've ever known. And I hope I can hold you together too."

"Hold…me…together?"

"That's right. Two people in love…hold each other…."

"Ah…I see," and so saying, Irisviel became enveloped in Kiritsugu's arms again, and she, in turn, slid hers around him.

And even as they were stark against each other, white against black, there was a unity between them that could be physically observed as they stood entwined in the softly falling snow. And Irisviel felt it, more deeply than before, when Kiritsugu touched his lips to hers and kissed her again.

* * *

Even though nothing like a wedding in the traditional sense was performed, there was a ceremony that Acht presided over, while the Einzberns bore witness to the contract of marriage that both Kiritsugu and Irisviel signed after they were at least allowed the luxury of declaring vows to each other. Irisviel, for her part, felt something personally empowering just in having the opportunity to do something like sign her name on a document. It further solidified the idea in her mind that she had cultivated an identity for herself, that she was her own being, and not just another homunculus on the stack.

Afterward though, when she and Kiritsugu were given leave to retreat to his rooms (now theirs) to privately celebrate their having become man and wife, Irisviel felt a mixture of excitement and nerves such as she hadn't felt before. She didn't see why she should, she had grown so comfortable with Kiritsugu, and it was often he who was showing (albeit subtle) signs of discomfort as she was the one making efforts to draw them closer. But perhaps beyond anything that he had taught her of the world outside Einzbern Castle, now he was leading her again, this time towards something she had only read about, something that was given a kind of importance in the steppingstones of life, being that it was the pinnacle of humans maintaining the survival of their species. More than that though, it was something that had somehow been defined as some sort of major dividing line between a before and after in someone's life, such that there had to be a label for one who had not yet experienced it:

A virgin.

True, that applied not just to someone who hadn't experienced the act of carnal relations, but to anyone who hadn't experienced any number of things: a skydiving virgin was someone who had never skydived before, and so on. But that was after the initial use of the word, where virgin all on its own was exclusive to the act of sex.

Some figures in history and religion had been exalted for having accomplished deeds in addition to not having engaged in this act, like the Virgin Mary, called such as she had given birth to Jesus Christ without having known the touch of a man. And others, who had been martyred before ever knowing what it was like to make love.

But now, here _she_ was, butterflies fluttering in her stomach, a description she had read thus far in many a cheap romance novel she'd fancied picking up, or better yet, the not-so-cheap ones. What if she couldn't hold up her end of things because of her inexperience, and it turned out bad not just for her, but for Kiritsugu too? She already knew that he and Maiya had shared a relationship involving occasional sex, even if there had been no love behind it (or so Kiritsugu had said). She had a feeling though…that because he loved her…that he had expectations for this to go well. Or maybe he had no desire to engage in the act with her at all, out of a respect and reticence born from his very feelings for her. However, Irisviel at least, for her part, had no desire to have a Petri dish involved in the conception of the child they wanted to have: she really wanted it to be like any other couple who wanted a child, a miracle of life produced from an act of love.

She hope Kiritsugu wanted that too, at least for one night.

Just the same, Irisviel didn't know the first thing of what to really do.

In that regard, should he agree to it, she really hoped Kiritsugu would guide her as he had been guiding her so far in other things of the world beyond Einzbern Castle.

Something eased inside her though when, as if reading her thoughts, Kiritsugu, walking silently beside her in his usual dark suit, looked over at her and then smiled his subtle yet reassuring smile. More so when he reached over wordlessly and slid his hand in hers and gave it a gentle squeeze.

It was because…just by doing that…he was reminding her…that he was with her. This was simple: a love that had been built upon a bond they had cultivated between them.

Considering this, Irisviel wordlessly squeezed his hand back, forever telling him that she too was with him, that she always would be no matter what. That was why they were able to weather all that they had embarked upon together thus far.

After he locked the door behind them in his rooms, Irisviel took in the sparse look of the place, even with all of the ornate Einzben furnishings that had come included. Her new husband, it seemed, truly had lived a life stripped to the bare essentials. But what he lacked in anything excessive in physical possessions, he made up for in the beautiful things he carried inside him, his thoughts, his words, his ideas, his dreams, his knowledge. That meant more to Irisviel than anything else.

She bounced over to the window, breathless with wonder as she always was at the way the moonlight made the snow sparkle silver and blue. Kiritsugu joined her there, drawn to each other as they were, and then he kissed her, after taking a moment to give reverence to the fact that she was now his wife. Though there was possession in his dark eyes as he said this, it was mixed with a high respect for her too. Here she was, someone who was admired deeply, and more than that, not simply praised as an Einzbern creation, but praised for the person she had thus far grown into. Still, it was only thanks to his guidance, and so it was that she very much admired and respected him in turn, furthering her understanding of the kind of sacredness that might be found in the relationship between teacher and student, as well as between two people who had grown to love each other.

Even so, she couldn't help getting a little giddy inside when he told her he had a gift for her. She got giddier still when she saw that it was a beautiful _kimono_ he'd had custom-made for her, featuring a lovely iris pattern. He admitted that he'd chosen the iris because the word was in her name, even if the meaning of her name itself had nothing to do with irises—though, incidentally, her natural fragrance reminded him of these same flowers.

Excitedly, Irisviel concealed herself behind a screen and put the _kimono_ on, and she relished the cool feeling of the silk against her skin. She relished even more the expression that crossed Kiritsugu's face when she stepped out from behind the screen and he saw her as he paused in the middle of the taking off his shoes. It was clear that though he considered her beautiful, inside and out, and though he had picked out this _kimono_ with the anticipation in mind that she would look beautiful in it, the effect that her wearing it for him had on him was not what he had expected. Evidently it was everything and more to see her like this. Something about that made Irisviel feel more at ease with her own insecurities.

To a point.

She was still very nervous, but she did her utmost not to show it. And maybe Kiritsugu sensed that, and was all the more smitten with her for it. The way he smiled at her said as much, told her that he sincerely wanted to do everything he could to make her happy. Equally so, she wanted to do the same for him.

Yet there was a solemnity to him too, and she intuited that he must be thinking unwillingly of how they both knew this was going to end. So she reached up and took his face in her hands, before she pulled him close, holding him together, as she promised she would do for him as much as he would do for her. She felt that reassurance she gave him through his whole body, even as he trembled.

And then he pulled back, and in his eyes something new shined in that soft darkness: something that reached for her on some simple, physical level, and she wondered if this was that more richly dark side of love called "lust". It must have been, because seeing it made her feel the same thing, made her eyes glance over his physicality with more of a thrill than ever before. Not that she hadn't yet done so, but now…she was very eager indeed to see him stripped bare, to feel his hands on her when she would be stripped bare in turn.

However, as it turned out, all this time it seemed he had considered the idea that maybe she would not want this, young and unpracticed as she was. That and there was the fact that even as his wife, Grandfather Acht still saw her as one of his dolls. Thus Kiritsugu, apparently being wary of this himself, felt he still had to ask her permission to take their intimacy towards this next step, particularly again with the fact that Acht wanted this all done with the cold attitude of collecting a sample for him to poke and prod with his alchemy.

Irisviel assured him though that she was in fact of the same mind as he had been all along: not content with having their child conceived in a beaker, but as the way children were mean to be conceived. Though she could only give the visceral reaction of a soft gasp when he made his proposal (a small part of her had indeed doubted that he would ask her) that was enough for him to get the message. And she thrilled all the more to see the happiness dance in his eyes. To see such light as that, Irisviel drew all the closer to him, her eagerness to embrace him growing pleasurably.

And with that he scooped her up in his arms and carried her as his new bride to the bed, laying her down on it with the kind of softness that three months ago, she wouldn't have known him to be capable of. The first time he had touched her, he had struck her as a means to prove to her and himself that she was ineffective as a tool when it came to self-defense. Now, though, he traced his finger gently down the line of her throat and down to her breasts, and beneath his touch her heart raced with her pounding pulse, her breath coming just a little more shallow. She could sense the same thing happening with him, more acutely in their closeness to each other in this way.

All she could do was let out his name in a whisper, trembling beneath him as he bent over her. And then he smiled again, with more of that eager light in his dark eyes before he leaned down and touched his lips so carefully to the hollow of her neck.

She gasped and closed her eyes, quivering as she reached up and slid her arms around him.

"Just follow my lead," he murmured gently in her ear, and she felt his tracing fingers starting to undo her _kimono_.

Logically it would seem like the waste of an outfit, putting it on just for him to take it off, but here logic had to be abandoned for pure feeling. And it was already so wonderful, so glorious.

So she did just what he said, and followed his lead, reaching up with, albeit shaking, hands and started to work apart the buttons on his jacket, and then his shirt, then loosening his tie and pushing his clothes aside over his broad shoulders. Her head was starting to spin, and though it was dizzying, she didn't faint.

"That's it," he told her. "You're doing fine."

He pushed aside the clothes on her in turn, revealing her ivory bareness to him in the moonlight, and there was a soft intake of breath, an expression of wonderment, reflected in his eyes, and then he traced her curves again.

"So beautiful," he murmured.

Irisviel believed that the very same applied to him, as his jacket, shirt, and tie fell away and she saw just how lean, toned, and muscular he was beneath. Strong. So strong. At the same time though, she caught sight of the very faintest of a white scar here and there in the moon's silver luminance, whether from knives or bullets or both she didn't know, but she suspected as much. When she reached over to touch them with some curiosity in her wandering, soft, delicate fingers, he let her do it, shivered at the contact.

He swallowed, and she moved her fingers from his chest and stomach to his neck, and became more aware than ever that she had come to love every single piece of him.

Then he leaned over and began to feather her skin with kisses, from between her bright red eyes, down her cheek, and then further down her throat, down to her breasts again.

Then he rested his head there for just a moment, and Irisviel felt compelled to run her hands through his dark hair, so she did, and he looked up and smiled at her in a way that told her he felt nothing but happy gratitude for her.

"Hm, look at you. You're quite good at this. Ever the quick learner."

Irisviel giggled, and Kiritsugu laughed with her, low in his throat, in his chest. Then he came up and at last took her mouth in his, threading his fingers through her silver hair and then letting his hands wander softly down her body again.

Then everything started to become joyously tangled. It was all a riot of ecstasy inside Irisviel's head, combined with the way the two of them were coming together with Kiritsugu's guidance. The way he stroked her skin, and whispered, "Just let everything go, let everything dissolve into starlight," into her ear, and the way she absorbed every sensation—his crisp, leathery scent, his warmth, the suggestion of strength in his limbs and how much he was holding that back in his gentleness and tenderness toward her…and seeing for herself certain secret things, like the strangely half-transferred Magic Crest on his bare back when she peered over his shoulder as the two of them were entwined in the soft sheets. The moment to ask however was inopportune as something gold and beautiful was being built up inside of her with the help of the way he had come to move inside of her.

And then that golden, beautiful something burst like the fireworks on those movies he'd shown her, colorful and brilliant, and she had no choice but to let out a cry like a bird that had been shot in the sky, and at the same time, she heard his hoarse cry of her name, like he too had been wounded, but was simultaneously shouting joyously for it.

Then everything spiraled down into blissful stillness as they both collapsed together, as though they had both jumped off a high place together and fallen, fallen, fallen.

Everything came back into clearer focus, and Irisviel made out Kiritsugu's face in the dark as the two of them caught their breath, she watching him watching her watching him. And then he gave a breathless laugh, smiling almost boyishly, taking on that same demeanor as he had when they had held each other in the library after agreeing that they would have a child together in order to give what they felt for each other lasting hope and meaning. As he did so, he reached over and stroked back her silver hair from her face, flushed and beaming as she was.

"Was that okay?" he asked her, almost timidly.

Irisviel could only nod, and then she leaned in eagerly, already wanting to go again, to make something new happen with that same golden, beautiful feeling. Kiritsugu outright laughed at her enthusiasm.

"All right, all right, I get it." And he met her lips with his as they dove in again.

In the wake of their second effort, Irisviel snuggled up against her new husband, and he wrapped them both up in the blankets, kissing her forehead. She couldn't stop smiling, even as exhaustion took her and she fell asleep in his arms, floating on the dreams that even if now she was too spent to go again, there would still be plenty of opportunities down the road.

When she woke up with the light of morning pouring over them, the first thing she heard and felt before she even blinked open her eyes was the easy, calm rhythm of Kiritsugu's breathing as he held her. Then she looked up and found him sleeping, and she couldn't help smiling gleefully at the look of his peacefully slumbering face. She had never seen it so relaxed, a faint smile gracing his lips. He even looked a bit younger, which was maybe saying something seeing as how he was only twenty. Very young in human years.

She reached up and lightly traced her fingertip over the line of his mouth before she brushed her lips across his nose. He murmured indistinctly in his sleep, but he didn't wake, and she enjoyed that somehow as she slid surreptitiously out of bed, reaching over and sliding on the _kimono_ he had given her. Then she went over to where the Einzberns had installed a vanity for her as their own sort of "wedding present". She did ache a little in places that were sensitive to begin with, and noticed it as she sat down in front of the mirror, but at the same time, considering her reflection, she couldn't help tracing her fingers over all of those places where Kiritsugu's fingers had been tracing the night before, and she took pleasure in this too.

The figure she saw in the mirror was more of a woman, and less of a doll. There was a new kind of shine to the red of her eyes: alert, thoughtful, and bright. A blooming flower that Kiritsugu had been drawing out of her.

She considered herself in this way for a bit, and then she became aware of a change in the air, and heard the sound of a shifting on the bed behind her, and twisted around to find Kiritsugu awake and watching her, grinning with his face half-hidden in the pillows.

She tilted her face to one side, almost suggestively. "Hello."

"Hello," her husband replied, equally suggestive. Then his eyes dropped to her hands in her lap, and he gave a kind of sigh that someone would give before having to give into doing something unpleasant. His grin withdrew a little.

And once again, she sensed what he was contemplating. She considered the flat of her stomach, wrapped up as it was by the silk of her _kimono_. Was it now then, that there was a new life already growing inside her? She knew it didn't always start with the first or even second try. Though given the way she was designed, it might have been easier for the two of them to manage it.

Kiritsugu chuckled wryly. "Iri, I've spent much of my years working on my aim. I never miss. Unless I want to, of course."

Irisviel blinked, and then she giggled behind her hand, understanding his double entendre, even as he was still looking beleaguered by the prospect of having to take what they had accomplished to Acht. And she didn't blame his reluctance either: after what they had shared last night, it felt wrong to bring Acht into it as they knew they had to in order to maintain their positions in what ultimate purposes they both had to serve: she as the Vessel of the Grail, he as the mage that would fight for the right to wield it and make his wish. Really, they were both quite burdened, which only strengthened her feelings towards him, cemented the bond between them.

Which made her desire to comfort him (as well as herself) all the more keen.

She gave a sigh of her own. "Well then. I suppose we should get this over with."

"Hm." Kiritsugu furrowed his brow, as he felt worse for her than anything else. "I'm sorry."

"Now, now," Irisviel playfully chastised, in spite of everything. "We can still be happy about this, you know."

"Can we?" Kiritsugu's voice cracked doubtfully.

"Of course we can. Because we have each other," Irisviel told him simply, and she stood and crossed over to the bed, leaning over and brushing back the dark hair from his face. "That makes it easier, right?"

Kiritsugu's smile came back more sincerely. "I'll admit…it really does."

So it was she coaxed him out of bed, and the two of them dressed in companionable silence before presenting themselves before Acht at the appointed time in the Alchemy Chamber.

"Ah. So then, shall we commence with gathering the necessary samples?" Acht said, very businesslike as they gathered near his main workbench in the chamber.

And Irisviel didn't miss the subtle satisfaction with which Kiritsugu replied, "The samples have already been brought together to serve their purpose. But I'm sure you can start your manipulations while they're inside our lovely Vessel here." He waved a hand in the general direction of Irisviel's womb.

Jubstacheit only reacted with the widening of his eyes, as he glanced between Kiritusgu and Irisviel. Then his heavy white brow settled into a deep frown. He seemed to give this some thought, though it was clear that he was initially disapproving. After he wordlessly invited Irisviel to take a seat on the nearby examination table and pulled a few of his alchemical instruments towards him, he proceeded to snap on a pair of gloves.

"That will be all, Emiya," he said gruffly after he had a look inside Irisviel's mouth.

"Oh, now, what kind of husband would I be if I stepped out?" Kiritsugu said rather smoothly.

Acht lifted his eyes up from where he was examining Irisviel and let his icy gaze fall on Kiritsugu hovering nearby, leaning rather casually against the wall with his arms folded. His gaze was as cold as the day he and Irisviel first met, but more than that, there was a twitch to his set mouth that Irisviel could undoubtedly tell was hinting at a triumphant smile.

Acht seemed to see this too, and took a deep intake of breath, his nostrils flaring. Though that was the extent of the irked sentiment he expressed, it was enough to let Irisviel and Kiritsugu both know what was going on between the way the two men looked at each other: Acht had not considered the idea of Kiritsugu's engaging one of his "dolls" in the human act of making love, and Kiritsugu had done just that, effectively snatching his doll away from him in that regard, and at the same time, giving her a kind of freedom in doing so.

And there was nothing Acht could do to change that.

On a primal level one might have also observed it as a kind of marking of territory, establishing of one's place in a hierarchy, and for all of that, Acht still had power over Kiritsugu and Irisviel both, but he both respected and was enraged by how Kiritsugu had put his foot down on the matter of his being married to Irisviel. It was his own method of clout to try and say, "She's not your doll now. She's _my_ wife. And I'm her husband. And that life starting to grow inside her is _our_ child. So deal with it."

An electric charge rose up in the air then, crackling, and Irisviel sensed that, much as she appreciated it, it would be in Kiritsugu's best interest if he did step out. She said as much in the look she gave Kiritsugu, and naturally he understood it. At first he seemed on the edge of protesting, but then relented at the slight shake of her head.

His dark eyes flicked back up to Acht's face and he smiled rather acridly. "As you say, however, Elder." He even gave a little bow before he withdrew from the Alchemy Chamber.

Irisviel gave herself a private moment and smiled after him, the man she loved, only to have Acht take her by the chin and turn her face towards his.

"Be careful, young Irisviel," he warned her, in his own rather strictly grandfatherly way. "Have I not told you of the way human beings corrupt such beings of purity as yourself? And here you are, letting him touch you so…commonly."

Irisviel knitted her silver brow faintly. "But he's my husband now. He can touch me however he wants…and I can do the same to him." The color rose in her cheeks against her will, and she cast her red eyes down, but only for a moment, looking up again, more sternly, with more pride in herself. "I want him to. I…want to share that with him. I love him…after all."

"Hm." The disapproval was still a dark cloud in Acht's icy eyes, but something in him relented after some more thought.

With that, he began his alchemical probing in order to work with the genes of a human and a homunculus coming together, the necessary cells already dividing inside of her.


	5. Pain

**Love Sprung from Words**

 **Pain**

The first time Irisviel had experienced pain was when she had met the man who would ironically also teach her of kindness. Perhaps it was the fact that kindness was such a sharp positive contrast to pain that such a thing became all the more precious to her. Nevertheless, when Kiritsugu had struck her in that first encounter, across the face, knocking her to the ground, her first impression was that of all her meticulously crafted nerve endings well…screaming.

She soon learned that the cold was painful too, when she'd been set with that test to prove her endurance, thrown unclothed into a snowstorm to fend for herself. That was when Kiritsugu had shown her kindness then, rescuing her from that, not so long after that same first meeting. Well, he wouldn't have called it kindness, at the time anyway. He hadn't thought of her that way yet, as someone who ought to be shown that. Or perhaps he did.

"Why _did_ you do it?" she asked him one afternoon in the library, when they'd settled into their routine of teacher and student—he the wise teacher telling her of the ways of the world so she could understand anger and how it served as an impetus to fight, she the naïve student, who was simply relishing the thought of learning new things.

At the time, the two of them were discussing Chinese history, and Kiritsugu had pointed out to her a chapter in the book she had open in front of her about Wu Zetian, China's only female emperor. Kiritsugu looked up from where he was poring over a different book, searching for the next subject to teach her on ancient China, and he frowned at her. He frowned a _lot_.

"Why did I do what?" he asked.

"Why did you save me?" said Irisviel. "From the snowstorm?"

"Oh." Something clouded over Kiritsugu's dark eyes, and he went back to flicking through the pages of the book in front of him. "I don't know…I just…." He sighed, and his frown took on a different air, not like he was annoyed (which was usually why he frowned), but more like…it bothered him in the sense that he was thinking of something he couldn't bear thinking of.

He still didn't look at her though, even when he finally said, "The way I thought about it at the time, it was…all I _could_ think about was the fact that I knew you felt pain…from when I hit you…and…so…drew the conclusion that you were probably out there suffering…and I…. Well, suffering is a sin of the world I have never been able to forgive. Yet, so rarely do I have the chance to take it away from someone who's enduring it so…I just…acted on that impulse."

"An impulse different from anger?"

"Actually, there _was_ anger, but…."

Then Kiritsugu shook his head and finally met her gaze again. "The point is, I couldn't stand for it. So I did something about it." His tone suggested that the matter was closed, but Irisviel had a feeling that it wasn't out of any kind of impatience with her, like these things usually were.

He had grown from that since then. And part of that had been in how he had shown her his own pain, that in so doing, had taught her that pain could come in other forms, not just physical ones. For pain was something he had quite a lot of, and in ample variety.

In the first place, she inferred from what he told her of the pain he bore that it played in large part a role in his initial reluctance to acknowledge and act upon the love that had sprouted and flowered between them. The love he had known before loving her had brought him nothing _but_ pain.

The very first girl he had ever loved—Shirley—had been inadvertently turned into a Dead Apostle—collateral damage incurred working as an assistant to his father, who had been researching such magic as a means towards reaching the Root. Kiritsugu hadn't had the courage to kill the girl he loved to keep the Dead Apostle infection from spreading from her to the rest of the inhabitants on the island where they lived, even as she had been beyond saving, even as she had begged him to do it, knowing she would lose her mind to the violence and slaughter all in her path, unchecked. And so the infection had spread, turning everyone on the tiny island into Dead Apostles. While the girl he'd loved had died in the fallout of that disaster, Kiritsugu had been compelled to kill his father when he realized that his father meant to escape only to keep doing that same accursed research somewhere else. In that moment, he had weighed his father's life against the many lives in the future that he might ruin, and he could not abide it.

So he had done what he had felt to be necessary.

It wasn't how he imagined evolving into a Hero of Justice, as he'd always dreamed one day he would, but it had started him on a path that he could not turn from.

But then he'd learned in his time with the woman who had taken him in and eventually taught him the skills that would make him the infamous Mage Killer, Natalia, that such tragedy was commonplace in the world. Even so, he had done his best, had not even hesitated on the day that came that in order stop that kind of tragedy from befalling the entire city of New York, and perhaps even further than that, he'd been forced to shoot down a plane full of ghouls, while Natalia, the woman who had become his mentor, and like a mother to him, had still been on it. She hadn't even been infected, not like Shirley, but the risk had been too great in his mind.

"I'd say that God was the only one who heard my screams that day, but I have a hard time believing a being like God even exists," he had told Irisviel, bitterly. "At least in any benevolent incarnation. If there _is_ a God, then He is nothing more than a cruel tormentor, like a child who revels in destroying anthills just to watch the ants scatter in a frenzy."

Then he'd clutched at his chest, gripping the fabric of his shirt, his face twisting as if in agony as he gazed off into the fire in the library, avoiding looking her in the eye.

Irisviel had knitted her brow, feeling an impulse to reach out and take his hand, but thinking better of it. "Does it hurt there?" she'd asked him, her voice breaking.

And then he had looked at her, and his face had said more than words would, for she had learned how to read him much better by then.

Even so, he'd said, "Yes. It does."

Meanwhile, after the eve that followed their marriage, when they had first made love together, they certainly made a habit of making love again, even after her pregnancy was confirmed. Because Irisviel still wanted to, and Kiritsugu still wanted to as well.

She had finally got up the nerve to ask him about the half-transferred Magic Crest etched into his back, but now she had different questions for him. Questions about the pale white scars that shined here and there in the moonlight…on his arms, his chest, his stomach, even a tiny one on his neck, one night in the drowsy aftermath of such lovemaking.

"Oh that? A knife point snicked me there." Kiritsugu actually smiled, which puzzled Irisviel at first until he laughed, and then she wondered if maybe he was laughing at himself and the recklessness of his youth.

She wasn't sure though, so she thought she'd ask.

Which made Kiritsugu laugh again, and amidst her inquisitiveness, Irisviel took her usual pleasure from hearing him laugh. She had come to love hearing him laugh, as she loved everything else about him, flaws and all. There was something special about it, just like when he smiled.

Especially given what had happened a few days ago.

Because then, he had wept openly in front of her for the first time. He had sounded more wounded than she'd thought a person could sound, the grief was almost inhuman, unearthly. As raw as the death cry of a deer shot through the heart. It had frightened her at first, but seeing him so agonized quickly stirred within her the compassion she'd come to feel for him that came with her love, and she'd wanted nothing more than to hold him in any way that she could. The spat he'd had with her human Einzbern kin Malte had set him off, for in some ways he grieved the sorrowful truth that one day she would have to die, and he would have to let her, almost lead her by the hand to the act. Grieved it as if she had already died.

So to hear him laugh was like a burst of light that cleaved the deepest darkness, a precious joy dredged up from a deep well of despair. Like the heat of the sun breaking through the ice of winter. When he laughed, it was like the happiness he'd once felt as a child was trying to live in him again, and his dark eyes became bright and eager.

Now, as he laughed, she was so happy she could cry (that still amazed her how that could happen), and she pressed closer to him, laying her head on his bare chest so she could hear his laughter from where it came from deep inside his heart.

"Yes, now that you mention it, I _was_ rather reckless," he said, sounding amused, running his fingers through her silver hair. "I still am, I suppose. When I forget myself."

Irisviel flicked her eyes up to his face. "Well, don't forget yourself too much."

" _You_ make me forget myself," he teased, at which she tried to glare at him but her smile came through anyway.

So she leaned up to accept the kiss he offered her instead. When they broke apart, she touched her forehead to his, glancing down and running the pads of her fingers over the scars on his chest and stomach again, enjoying the way her touch still made him shiver, his breath quickening just a little, like her pulse was.

"What about these? Or would that take too long to tell me?" she asked. "Or…well, it's fine if you don't want to."

"That's not so at all," he said, tracing his fingers along the length of her naked back, making her shiver too. "I _do_ want to," he said, smiling in that way that was so open, so…boyish. It was only so strange to see something like that find its way out of him because when they had first met, he'd had a set to every line in his face, especially in his jaw, a serious and sober one, almost tense. A predator biding its time, thinking, calculating, waiting to spring. A readiness beyond his twenty years. And yet when he smiled like this, it was like he was really supposed to be doing more often, Irisviel guessed—the smile of a man who had in fact just finished his teenage years, the kind of smile he was _meant_ to have more often than he did.

But Irisviel had brought it out of him.

She grinned, playful.

"Okay then. I'll let you say as much as you like."

"As my lady commands," said Kiritsugu, responding to her playfulness.

But first he leaned up and gave her another kiss.

* * *

Pregnancy brought its own kind of pain, even in its early stages. Irisviel was already given to understand that the actual act of childbirth was a world of pain in and of itself (though that hardly gave her second thoughts), but when her body started to really noticeably change, it did make her grumble now and then. A little.

The cramps for a start made her so moody at times it was almost like she and Kiritsugu had switched personalities in some regards—now _she_ was the one easily annoyed and wearing a brooding set to her brow, while he spoke to her with the same carefulness as one might do while stepping around broken glass shards.

The first time she threw up from morning sickness though, she felt her blood run cold with her fear, and she got so dizzy she thought she might faint. She'd known it was coming, but she hadn't expected it to feel so…violent, like something trying to fight its way out of her stomach. When Kiritsugu found her (her retching in their bathroom had woken him up in the pale gray of dawn, naturally), she was already crying. Seeing her this way, he gave her a wan smile and knelt beside her, promising to stay with her until she felt like she'd gotten the sickness out of her system. The whole time he held her hair out of her face and ran his knuckles up and down her spine, which was hypnotizingly soothing.

Maybe he was feeling guilty again.

Which made Irisviel cry again, because she hated being the reason he felt the sting of guilt. It made _her_ feel guilty, a dark and awful feeling that consumed from the inside, a black thing that not even vomiting seemed to do anything to get rid of, though it was all it made her feel like doing.

To think that Kiritsugu had carried this kind of emotion around tenfold for most of his life, she understood even more why he'd forced himself to cut off his head from his heart.

When he himself was caught completely off-guard by a fever though, it came after he'd experienced a nightmare and woken sharply from it, awakening Irisviel beside him. She'd tried to comfort him as best as she could, but it didn't help that he fell ill soon after. He wasn't one for lingering long in inaction, and being confined to bed wasn't exactly his cup of tea. Despite his restlessness, he grew too exhausted to purge himself of it. And his nightmares came back to him in his sleep.

But Irisviel stayed with him whenever she wasn't called away for her daily examination with Acht. In moments when he managed sleep, she would lay the back of her hand against his hot, flushed cheek, as if to give him her touch as a talisman against his dark dreams. And even if that didn't seem to help all that much, any more than her reassurances at night for him to go back to sleep when he awoke from them suddenly yet again, he seemed to find peace just in seeing her when he woke, in having her near. He managed a smile, and steadily he got better again with each passing day.

Then he came up with a very fine name for their unborn daughter: Ilyasviel. It was perfect.

And Ilyasviel grew, as Irisviel could attest to as she felt herself slowly expand from within.

Well, not really. It was too gradual for that, but there were aches and pains and increasing pressures that chimed in now and then to remind her that that's what was happening, and before she knew it, she was showing. The maid, Aloisia, one of her homunculus sisters who had not been deemed fit to be in Irisviel's place, saw to taking out her gowns to accommodate. And in spite of her discomfort, Irisviel could spend a good long while at least once out of every day, examining herself in the mirror in her and Kiritsugu's room, fascinated and bewildered with herself, with the idea that within that bump was a tiny little person growing inside of her. The thought of it compelled her to run her hands over it, feeling a whisper of the kind of attachment she'd sensed within herself the very moment she'd considered having Kiritsugu's child in the first place.

She glowed with pride, in spite of herself, at the maternal affection growing within her as much and as fast as her child was.

More than that, but she really hoped that she would start to see something of the paternal equivalent in Kiritsugu, so that this was another part of this joy that they could share.

But Kiritsugu's glances at her were solicitous at best, and brooding at worst. He tried his best though, with that wan, more reluctant smile of his, when he saw that it depressed her to see him that way. Even when he felt bad about this, even when he still had his doubts and reservations, he still wanted to be able to encourage her. She was certainly glad to at least have that.

Just the same, his anxiety over her well-being was not completely without justification, as it also meant that he was being watchful. Watchful for when she got dizzy or tired, even after the morning sickness had more or less passed.

One day however, there came a pain that was unrelated to the child inside her. Or maybe it _was_ related. The cause nonetheless was not that of the child growing, but of Irisviel's connection to Lord Justica, and the Grail for which she was the Vessel. Her blood called to it, just as she was designed, and carrying a child that was meant to share her fate one day should she fail, it was bound to complicate things where this was concerned.

While she, Kiritsugu and Acht were holding a council at Acht's behest in the alchemy chamber shortly after Acht had done another adjustment on her, the pain struck her from within, growing steadily, making her nauseous, bringing on the vertigo, until it reached her heart and flared up within her like a fire. Her insides began to burn as she'd never felt them burn before, the pain sapping her of her strength, making her light-headed. She gave a cry and fell back, enfolded into darkness. The last thing she heard was the echo of Kiritsugu calling her name.

Then she knew nothing but incredible pain. She fought against it from within, feeling herself writhe in the flames of agony, even as one who had never known what it was like to actually have her flesh burned. At the same time, she felt utterly rent from the inside out. The tangle of Magic Circuits that thrived within her blazed and screamed with pain, turning every passing second into an eon to be endured past sanity, and the voice of Lord Justica whispered to her in her ear:

 _What are you dreaming of, sister mine?_

 _Please_ , she thought desperately, _I just don't want this to hurt the baby. Don't hurt Ilya…she's too little…too fragile…._

Then a blanket of relief fell over her, spread throughout her veins and Magic Circuits, washing away the pain like a healing water. Everything within that had tensed with the pain relaxed, the fire faded, as did Justica's voice, and she fell into a liquid sleep from which she awoke to the pale grey light of dawn, judging by the window. She blinked, and found Kiritsugu in a chair beside their bed. He was holding her hand, while he had his face buried in his other, as he sat bent over in that way he did when he seemed to feel like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.

She gave his hand a feeble squeeze, and his head snapped up. He blinked into alertness, but the lines around his eyes were more defined, and he even looked gaunter than usual.

But still, he smiled. It was vulnerable, but it was there, unforced and genuine.

"Iri…."

"Kiritsugu…there you are again…waiting for me to wake up…just like last time…."

"Mm…I suppose so…."

Kiritsugu ran the pad of his thumb over the back of her hand, and Irisviel found the sensation very soothing, like the rhythmic way he'd run his knuckles up and down her back when she'd been retching from morning sickness.

And then she remembered that there was something else she meant to ask her husband, but forgot until now. After she had asked him why he had saved her from that snowstorm, she'd gotten distracted, but now she remembered.

"You know…I never asked…why were you there…when that happened? Was it because…you felt responsible for me…since you'd rescued me and everything…?"

But instead of answering her, Kiritsugu withdrew into himself, like a wounded creature brooding over its injuries. And Irisviel realized that he didn't have an answer. Or maybe his silence would be affirmation enough. It turned out it was for her, anyway.

She gave his hand another squeeze, thinking maybe he was more bothered by the mysterious physical attack she'd just suffered inside of herself.

"You weren't scared, were you?" she asked, frowning with concern.

Kiritsugu came out of his ruminations, only to look away from her again. But he did tell her, very quietly, "Of course I was scared."

Irisviel bit her lip, her heart going out to him, her eyes aching with the threat of tears. "I'm sorry…." She kept causing him nothing but distress and guilt. She'd promised him that in loving him she wouldn't be a burden to him, and yet….

But then Kiritsugu looked back at her sharply, and in his dark eyes there shined the fierce affection he held for her. She didn't know how she knew it, she just knew. To anyone else, he might've appeared frightening, but to her, he was beautiful. Utterly beautiful.

"You have nothing to be sorry for." He pressed his lips to her knuckles, never breaking his gaze with hers. "You will never have anything to be sorry for. Ever. The fault…will always lie with me…."

The ache in Irisviel's eyes grew, as did the one in her reaching, reaching heart. She smiled though. She would smile, so he would know that for all this trouble, he was making her so happy.

"Oh Kiritsugu…I think I love you far more than you love yourself…so we'll have to fix that if we're going to keep at this…."

She chuckled, and this seemed to warm something within her husband, coaxed out the smile he found so hard to show. But he showed it to her. Because despite his grief, he was happy too, happy with her.

"Very well then," he said. "I accept your challenge."

"Good." Irisviel nodded approval, then lifted her chin with some regality befitting an Einzbern. "After all, a true champion accepts all challenges."

Then Kiritsugu laughed, really laughed, that sunlight-through-the-darkness laugh. "Indeed. And I am honored."

Irisviel sighed, satisfied for the moment. And then she became more aware through her slight fever of her free hand resting on her belly, and she remembered with a gasp—

"Kiritsugu! The baby!"

She almost had half a mind to spring up, was just about to when Kiritsugu reached over and gently laid a restraining hand on her shoulder.

"The baby's fine," he whispered to her, letting his restraining hand move up from her shoulder to the side of her face, where he brushed her cheekbone with one knuckle as a means to help soothe her. "Acht already made sure of it. Our little Ilyasviel's none the worse for wear. She didn't even feel a thing."

"Really?" Irisviel's voice cracked, and this time the tears came before she could stop them.

"Really." Kiritsugu used his stroking knuckle to catch one of her tears. "It's all right, my Iri. Everything's all right now." Then he came up and touched his lips to her brow, before he leaned back, withdrawing the hand that held her face and laid it over her hand, so that he now held her hand in both of his. "You should try to sleep a little more. I'll be here when you wake."

"Kiritsugu…." Irisviel moaned his name, a wave of exhaustion falling upon her. Still, she ran her palm over her stomach where she felt the little bump that was Ilyasviel growing inside her, and that seemed to reassure her in its own way. Then she quit as she closed her eyes, Kiritsugu watching over her, and as she drifted off to sleep, she felt his fingers as he brushed away the rest of the tears from her face.

* * *

Later on, as the pregnancy progressed, there was the back pain, and how easily she got short of breath even when she hadn't been walking about all that much.

Acht was still performing his daily checkups on her as usual, noting everything, especially in what Irisviel told him about what she was feeling. She knew he only cared in an intellectual sense, but somehow she found some satisfaction in that. She had grown to dislike entirely the idea that she was nothing more than an experiment to him, but even so, her curious mind enjoyed this journey of self-discovery, doing so much of what no homunculus before her had ever done.

Though she was no less unsettled in the extreme when Acht had informed her that the pain she'd felt from that attack she'd had would, in all likelihood, be felt a hundredfold if not more when she actually became the Grail, she tried to keep this pressing thought by daydreaming more and more about the baby. And she still had hope that Kiritsugu would start to get more excited about their Ilya rather than just ruminate on how anxious and guilty he still was. However, even though he acted like he _was_ excited, she could tell that deep down he was still just trying to hide what he really felt from her, so she wouldn't be sad for him.

She thought she understood better though than she had before her attack, for she sensed that Acht had told him what he'd told her, about how she would experience that pain on an even more excruciating level when her time came to perform her final act on this earth.

No wonder Kiritsugu's guilt seemed worse even than before, if he did already know all that.

 _Oh Kiritsugu…._

More than that, but Irisviel had started to catch herself thinking more and more about how that pain would come back to her, that she was slated to face it again, only worse, despite her efforts to keep such things at bay by thinking on the baby instead. After all, that had been so terrible just as it had been…could she manage it on a level that was even worse?

Of course she could! She was built to.

She had to endure it.

For Kiritsugu.

When she thought of it that way, somehow it was an easier thought to bear again. Still awful and pressing, but easier, like when she contemplated Ilya.

And that's when the moment came when she first felt their daughter kick her from inside.

They were in the library they way they liked to be, and, as she'd begun experiencing cravings, she'd actually taken to eating, and the two of them were sharing strawberries while they were having their daily lesson, for still Kiritsugu continued to teach her about the wonders of the world.

Irisviel was still getting used to how unwieldy her body had become with how much her baby bump had swelled, but even so, she felt compelled throughout the day to run her hand over it same as when she'd examine herself in the mirror, something inside her longing more and more for the moment when she would get to cradle in her arms the life growing inside her.

Then she felt the pressure from within, movement bubbling up, so unexpected that she gave a little cry of, "Oh!"

Kiritsugu looked up, all alert. "Iri?"

Irisviel looked down, and sure enough, as she felt the movement within her again, she saw another little bump rise up from her baby bump, as the life within pushed outward with one of her developing appendages. Irisviel felt both scared and excited, wondering if it was a foot or a hand that was making that happen.

Her eyes grew very round, and she beamed at her husband. "It's—I think it's the baby. I think it's moving around inside me! Quick! Come feel!" And she beckoned him over.

Kiritsugu appeared hesitant, but then he slowly rose to his feet and came around to the other side of the table, where he knelt down in front of Irisviel, and very carefully reached out and laid his palm against her baby bump.

And there was the kick again, Ilyasviel pushing outward, and Irisviel could tell by the light that flickered in his dark eyes that Kiritsugu felt it, and that he was filled with quiet delight at it. That meant so much to her she felt herself on the edge of crying.

"You feel that?" she asked him anyway, tremulous with excitement.

"I do." Kiritsugu hesitated again, and then, very carefully, he leaned in and gently pressed his ear to her belly.

Ilyasviel pushed out again, and for a moment, Kiritsugu's eyes leapt as if in a dance. "She's eager to come out, I imagine. She'll have a great thirst for knowledge, just like her mother does."

Irisviel felt herself glowing. Her heart reached out, so she reached out with her fingers and ran them tenderly through her husband's thick dark hair, as she always loved to do. But then her mind landed on that day that she'd been attacked by that pain and collapsed, and against her will she started trembling as the fear threatened to swallow her up again.

But the most frightening thought to her was what she'd feared might've happened to the baby while that had all been happening, and how her baby was already slated for that same fate should she and Kiritsugu fail, which only hardened her resolve for her and Kiritsugu to succeed in their ultimate goal.

Even so, her fear showed, and she couldn't hide it from Kiritsugu. She knew he could see the sheen of sweat that beaded on her brow, and the way her face drained of color. She felt it.

He raised his head and looked up at her.

"What is it?"

The way Kirtsugu regarded her with painful, earnest concern, made her even more scared, thinking again of the agony that one day would come to claim her, and her shaking worsened, despite her usual instinct to think of Ilysaviel, and of her husband. It took him taking her hands in his warm ones to calm them, and little by little, her.

"It's all right. Just speak slowly."

His voice was so gentle, so loving, everything welled up in Irisviel's heart, and she started crying before she could stop. Crying because she was so sad and frightened, and at the same time so joyfully grateful for this man.

"Not even when I was facing those wolves in that blizzard," she gasped, "did I know anything like what I felt…I was scared…I was so scared…and the pain…." She gulped. "Grandpapa said…that's how it will be…when my time comes…."

Her voice trailed off when she saw the shadow of pain in her husband's eyes again. Then he swallowed and held her hands tighter, fixing her again with that fierce look that he'd fixed her with when he'd told her that nothing would ever be her fault. It was a burning fire that lit one inside her, burned her to ash…but it was such an exquisite burn.

"Iri, look at me."

"Yes?"

"Remember when I asked you…if you wanted to know more about the world? When I gave you the choice to walk away from fate?"

"Yes…."

"Do you still want to do this?"

"I—"

At first she actually didn't know what to say, but then she saw in that look of ferocious love that he was giving that there was a steadfast loyalty to him as well, one that told her that he would stand by her whatever she decided, a loyalty that equaled her own to him. He was as devoted to her happiness as much as he was to his dream of saving the world.

This was another part of what it meant to be bound as a couple in love.

So for his sake, even though she knew that it caused him pain, she knew there could be no other way for him to live than to be given the greatest chance for victory in the Grail War—and she was the one who could do it, she could feel it. The happiest life he could have would be the life he would share with their daughter, the daughter they would save as well as the world.

For that—for her husband, for her child—she knew what it felt like then to be unwavering on the commitment to give her life for them, they whom she loved most dearly. And finally, at long last, her thoughts of them served to banish her fear, once and for all, in a burst of radiant light.

She smiled, and felt her love mingled with grief as she said, "Of course I do. Because I'm doing it for you."

There was pang at the veil of resignation that fell across Kiritsugu's eyes, but he smiled nonetheless, and it was a true and tender smile. "Hm." Then he kissed both of her hands with loving reverence, and for her it was just enough that right now, she was the most important person in the world to him.

* * *

One morning, Irisviel slept late, with a vague recollection of Kiritsugu rising early and leaving her with a kiss and a whispered promise to see her in the library come lunchtime as usual. Irisviel thought she might've muttered back, "Okay," and then that Kiritsugu might've touched his forehead to hers, lingering there and sort of nuzzling her even, just a little, just for a breath.

And then Irisviel opened her eyes, finding herself alone in her and Kiritsugu's room. Outside it was snowing thickly, and everything felt peacefully quiet. Aloisia had lit a fire in the fireplace, and it crackled warmly and merrily there. Thinking she might read for a little, she rolled over and pushed herself up, pulling on a fluffy terrycloth maternity-size robe Kiritsugu had bought for her. Then she slid her feet into a pair of slippers and lifted the weight of herself up so she could hobble over to the chairs by the fire.

On the little table she found the book she'd been reading last night before going to sleep. After she sank into the chair and put her feet up on the footstool, she picked up the book and went back to reading.

The book itself was a novel written by one Charlotte Brontë, entitled, _Jane Eyre_ , and Irisviel was having especial fun with it as she read it, as she found herself, in her head, inserting herself in the title role of Jane Eyre, and casting Kiritsugu in the role of the brooding and troubled Mr. Rochester. Even if in some ways his character acted oppositely of how Kiritsugu did in terms of the progression of his and Jane's romance. While Kiritsugu had been stand-offish, Rochester had sought Jane's affection without qualms, if through eccentric and mysterious means. Actually, without qualms was an understatement, as he had been doing so while keeping from Jane the secret that he was already married, albeit to a madwoman whom he kept locked in his attic.

Irisviel had left off where Jane was wandering the English moors, having run away in shame from Rochester after discovering this horrifying secret of his, despite his imploring her not to leave him, leaving _her_ homeless and penniless and near dead from starvation. It brought to mind how she had wandered for hours in the cold snowstorm before the wolves had come…and then Kiritsugu had found her and saved her….

Then Ilyasviel kicked her from inside.

"Oh! Hello." Irisviel giggled, and then, musingly beaming, she ran her hand over her belly now grown to the size of one of those massive beach balls (she imagined), falling into contemplation once more of the life inside her.

Ilyasviel kicked again.

"Hello, baby," she cooed, and suddenly her heart filled with an incredible ache for the day when she would finally see this child and hold her. She wanted to see all those little toes and fingers she would have, see her open her tiny eyes, see if even if Grandfather Acht had modeled her after herself and her sisters, as he done for them all since long past, that there would still be something in her daughter's expression or other part of her physicality that would resemble her father, Kiritsugu.

She really, _really_ wanted that.

And she wanted Acht to see it, so he would see that this child was _theirs_.

She wanted Kiritsugu to see it too, to see his face when he met their daughter for the first time, when he would hold her and realize that he had become a father.

For herself, she wanted just to be able to look into her daughter's face and feel everything that tied the two of them together, already proud of the fact that this child would be unique from her predecessors, and for that, she would be able to break free, and live the dream that none of her predecessors—her mother included—could live.

Surely any amount of pain was worth that at least?

And as her heart filled and filled with of this, so did her eyes fill with tears. But she just laughed. Laughed and cried all at once, feeling a surge of joy with every kick, as though Ilyasviel was trying to reach out to her, that maybe she too was dreaming of the day that she would finally meet her mother.

* * *

Later that evening, Irisviel sank down onto their bed and admitted how much she ached all over, especially in her feet, legs, and back.

Kiritsugu looked over at her, having just removed his jacket and tie. "Is there anything I can do to make it better?" he asked her.

Irisviel swung her legs up and stretched out on the bedspread, propping herself up against the pillows and headboard. "Well…the book I've been reading says it isn't really a good idea to give any kind of massage unless it's done professionally, otherwise it might induce labor or dislodge blood clots…but there's always ice."

Kiritsugu's smile was small, and just a little regretful. "Well, an ice pack I can do at least." He considered his hands. "I'm only sorry these are still so unpracticed in gentility."

"Don't be that way," Irisviel chided softly. "You're always very gentle."

"Ah Iri…as usual you give me far too much credit." Kiritsugu shook his head, but his smile didn't disappear.

When Aloisia delivered them the ice packs at Kiritsugu's request and then took her leave, Kiritsugu had finished stripping down to his boxers and thrown on a sleeping shirt. Then he brought the ice packs over to Irisviel on the bed, perched himself on the edge of it next to her feet, and set about and applying the ice to them.

"Ooooh, that's much better," sighed Irisviel.

"Hm." Kiritsugu smiled, glad it seemed to see her face relax after it was pinched with pain. "I'm sorry this is all I can do." He was even very gingerly handling the ice packs as if that too would be enough to trigger a pressure point that could accidentally induce labor too early, or cause some other internal catastrophe.

"Mmm, that _is_ a pity," said Irisviel, beaming. "You have such skilled hands. So gentle."

A little color crept up Kiritsugu's cheeks, and he turned just a little bit aside, and pretended to be adjusting the ice packs on her feet when they didn't really need it, but it didn't hurt either. After the time they had spent together, she could still catch him off-guard like this and make him blush with both pleasure and modesty.

Then he looked at her again, and his smile was a little wider, his dark eyes a little brighter. "It's _you_ that made them that way. Before you…they had no reason to be gentle."

Now it was Irisviel's turn to blush and avert her eyes for a moment. "No, I think you have it backwards. How could I have shown _you_ gentility, when I was nothing more than an emotionless doll when I began? _You_ had to show it to me first."

This made Kiritsugu laugh that laugh she dearly loved to hear, and he grinned outright at her. "We could go around in circles arguing this point, couldn't we?"

"Yes." Irisviel looked at him again, fluttering her eyelashes. "And I'd win."

"But of course you would." Then Kiritsugu spoke with quiet affection. "You always do. You're the only one who can ever prove me wrong." He traced his forefingers up along the length of the back of her shin, and Irisviel shivered, her insides stirring with that hunger that came with her need to be touched like this.

Then Kiritsugu leaned over and touched his lips to her leg, his dark eyes never leaving her red ones, until he withdrew and then closed his eyes as he leaned his rough cheek against her smooth skin, nuzzling her like a cat. It felt like the soothing polish of a pumice stone.

"You're so soft and sweet," he murmured, and his breath tickled her.

She shivered again, but she felt it reach deeper inside of her.

And then he whispered, "I love you," and opened his eyes.

Irisviel watched him lift his head from nuzzling her leg, and found her heart so loud in her chest she felt it in her ears, and she could scarcely breathe. It was even harder when she felt a painful lump rise up from the back of her throat. She reached up and absently massaged it between her thumb and fingers, even as her eyes stung and she was suddenly on the edge of crying.

Damn these stupid, crazy hormones.

"I love you," she echoed him just so, and then the tears spilled, trailing glassily down her cheeks.

Kiritsugu smiled, that particular smile that held no sadness, the one he only showed to her. It was reserved, but glowing with tenderness. Then he came and crawled around her feet and up to the front of the bed, settling himself beside her. At the invitation of his arm sliding around behind her and curling around her shoulders, she leaned into him and looked up into his eyes as he pressed her close against him. With his other arm, he reached up and stroked back a few strands of her silver hair, and then he cupped her cheek in his hand, running the pad of his thumb over her skin.

And the brightness shining out of his dark irises told her that he was on the edge of tears too.

But before they could break free, he shut his eyes again, and leaned in and caught her lips in his. Irisviel though, she reached up and held his face in both of her hands, responding to the kiss he offered her…and she felt them there, as wet and beautiful as hers…tears trailing down his face. Tears where joy and pain mingled together.

She kissed him harder, and he did the same back to her, his leathery, smoky scent filling her with warmth, making her heart flutter even as he made her feel safe

When they broke apart for air, Kiritsugu touched his forehead to hers, giving her another little nuzzle, just against the bridge of her nose.

"Tell me you love me again," she whispered to him. "Please. I love it when you say it. No one says it the way you do."

Kiritsugu chuckled. "But I'm the _only_ one you hear say it."

"Kiritsugu…" Irisviel moaned, fighting back a laugh of her own. " _Please_."

"Hmmm." Kiritsugu hesitated and then came around and brushed his lips against her cheek, tasting the tear tracks there. Then he pressed his cheek against hers, the bristles, again, not unpleasant, and murmured low in her ear, " _Iri…kimi wa…aishteru_ …."

Irisviel sucked in her breath, felt her pounding heart stop, just for a moment. She knew enough of Japanese now to know what he'd said, and more than that, by the tone of reverent love, she knew that it was a version of "I love you" that was utterly special…saved only for when one truly meant it from the very bottom of the heart and soul.

Of course, Kiritsugu always meant it that way, at the very least, when he told her in German. But to hear it in the tongue of the land of his birth, to hear it in that particular way that had that particular meaning attached to it…it left Irisviel breathless with wondrous affection.

She pressed closer to him, pressed him closer to her. Somehow, she seemed to have come to love him, always love him as if she were going to lose him. Of course, one day, she would, when they would have to part ways so she could embark on her final journey.

That's when it occurred to her that he had always loved everyone in his life whom he had loved in that very same way. Obviously it made sense, and she'd always had a sense of it before, how he hid pain behind his smile, underneath his laughter, but even so…she'd never thought of it so concretely until now, until she realized she was loving him just as he did her now.

And he became all the dearer to her for it.

"Here's another one I can take with me," she whispered.

"Hm?" Kiritsugu pulled back and looked at her quizzically. "Another one what?"

"Good memory." Irisviel smiled. "Another good memory I can take with me when I—"

Kiritsugu laid a finger over her lips. "No. Don't say it. Please. I don't want to think about that now." Even so, the hurt he always tried to hide flickered in his eyes, and Irisviel felt a stab of guilt.

And then a kick inside her from Ilya.

"Oh!"

They both regarded her baby bump, and then each other, and then they both laughed. Somehow, they were both able to laugh again.

Then Kiritsugu said, "There's a good girl, Ilya…there's my good baby girl," and he leaned over and kissed Irisviel's baby bump. "I'll bet you want so much to meet your mama. Well, she's worth the wait, I promise you that."

It was like he knew what she'd been thinking about earlier that day.

Irisviel beamed, feeling herself glow, as she watched her husband turn and lay his ear against her belly after he spoke soft words to their unborn daughter. And then Ilya kicked again, and Kiritsugu's face illuminated like he'd been injected with an elixir of joy. And Irisviel reached over and ran her fingers through his dark hair that way she liked, and he looked up at her, smiling that smile of his again.

Then she stroked his cheek with her knuckles.

"There's my beautiful man," she murmured.

"Hm." Kiritsugu closed his eyes. "Here's my beautiful woman."

Irisviel stroked his hair again, feeling that she could look at him forever this way, and it still wouldn't be enough.

And for a while, she simply smiled and watched him fall asleep against her, fully understanding then what it meant to watch over the person you cared for most in the world in that moment, while an icy storm raged and howled outside.


End file.
